Can Autistic Christians be Additionally Vulnerable in Christian Contexts?
You are particularly vulnerable as an autist when alongside other Christians in whatever context?
I am. 100%. For me, this is a ‘for sure’ thing and there is not a single doubt in my mind that I am most definitely more vulnerable in a Christian ‘situation’. Although this article is starting out from this perspective, it shifts to a more empowered and potentially ‘lighter’ place, if you choose to stick with it.
I have a catalogue of instances (over several decades) where the mixture of my traits as an autist along with my general personality traits (those two being inevitably linked anyway) have landed me in hotter than hot water. I have overly trusted when trust was the last thing I should have willingly given. I have misread scenarios and didn’t realise what was happening with regard to any control or manipulation (knowingly or unknowingly gained by another person towards me). I have been too open (nothing unusual there) and allowed people to get too close to me. I have (like a numpty) assumed (wrongly) that just because someone shares my belief that ‘God is God’, they are like me, and they have the potential to value me as a human as I value them. Wrong. Not always wrong, but often wrong.
Let’s stick to the facts momentarily:
Whatever anyone believes, does not necessarily affect how each one chooses to behave (and I include myself in that mix). Where there is any group of people of whatever ‘wiring’ or whatever belief, there will be a mix of those who are fully genuine (and finding their way) and those who are very broken (and finding their way). This opens the potential for the broken humans to hurt others (intentionally or unintentionally), and for the seemingly secure in their ‘God Walk’ to be knocked sideways every now and then. Everyone is rightly welcomed into churches and we’d be wise to recognise control and manipulation can potentially happen in a church maybe even more readily than outside of it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-church, even though I choose to not attend one currently. I believe the church is important and is as the Bible describes as ‘The Bride of Christ’.
In my personal experiences, having ended up linked to people who were maybe just using my openness and my mis-placed trust as a way of manipulating me or getting me to become reliant of them, I have learnt many lessons. I thought I’d share some of these for anyone wanting to read them. I’m sure reading them won’t necessarily stop you making the same mistakes, but it might bring these things to mind as you live your life and make your choices (even if you end up walking a similar path to me, which I’m guessing many might).
Firstly, the things to guard against in terms of potential self-protection:
1. Treat those who say they’re Christian with the same levels of trust (or distrust) as you would anyone who doesn’t believe that ‘God is’.
2. Recognise that people who believe ‘God is’ will (like you) also be working out how to live their own lives. They will not have all the answers (as that’s impossible for anyone anywhere whatever they’ve lived or whatever they believe) and if they pretend that they do, they are lying or lying whilst being deluded.
3. Notice that affirmation of a person can be used to manipulate a person in any context and that can be very true with Christians just as it is true for those who do not believe that ‘God is’. Receive the affirmation (fine) but try not to allow that affirmation to mean you give that person a metaphorical key into your entire life and all that is important to you.
4. Tread carefully when affirmation is present. Check it is authentic. How can you check? You can try this. Does the person still affirm you even when they don’t get whatever it is that they want from you? If they don’t, maybe it’s time to question the authenticity of their affirmations.
5. If the person tries to tell you that you are the only person who has ever understood them, be on your guard. Maybe you are the only person who has ever understood them, but that doesn’t mean you need to allow them access to your inner (or emotional) self until you can be sure (or as sure as you can be) that you are ‘safe’.
Will thinking about these things ensure your ‘safety’? Absolutely not. But I am suggesting it might be wise to consider these things. It can help you to navigate situations in ‘live time’ and it can help if you are ever again mopping up a mess in your world following the fact you were overly trusting…again. The list is not exhaustive…not by a long way. But those five points are my top five from my own many experiences of being ‘stung’.
I don’t regret a single instance of the ‘stinging’, by the way. Not at all. I see every life experience as a learning experience which has the potential to help me grow in some way or other. I have valued all the links I have had with people, even if those people were manipulating me, because each one of those people has mattered (and do still matter) to me. I can see that it is fully my choice to refuse to allow any hurtful experiences to then turn into bitterness inside me. I recognise that I can move on more easily when I remember a few things. These (what I think are) truths empower me…and maybe that’s weird, but it is also true for me. I’ll share them and maybe they will also empower you.
The things I try to remember about all humans:
1. Every single one of us has been made in the image of God.
2. Life experiences, hurt or people damage may cause others to behave in ways that are not kind. But, if we are God’s, we maybe need to remember that our vital role is to accept each person as they are, where they are and how they are right now. Isn’t that what God does with us? And so, aren’t we called to do the same?
3. How can we help broken people who link themselves to us? Maybe sometimes we need to stand alongside and let them work their stuff out. Maybe our role is to be as present as seems appropriate. One top tip, (if you choose to hear it) is that we do not need to take on their stuff as if it were our own. I’ve tried that…repeatedly…and it ALWAYS ends in utter disaster. But we can allow them space and time to navigate their stuff without any weight of judgement from us.
4. Eventually, I believe that most people respond positively to acceptance and kindness. Isn’t it better for us to treat people like that rather than try to be harsh, or judgemental, or try to actively change them or their behaviours? They’ll change if they choose to when they feel ready to. Maybe we are called to allow time and space and self-motivation from them for that to happen.
5. As much as this pains me (because of my autistic ways, my issues with social engagement and my lacking relational skills), people need people. Because of that truth, this point is the one I use as a wake-up call to myself. I tried ‘hermit living’, it didn’t work. Why did it fail? I guess because people are made to connect with people.
Each of us has light and dark within us, right? Anyone who says differently is (I believe) deluded. We need both the light and the dark to be our authentic selves. Denying the existence of either is an option but hardly rooted in anything true.
My personal message to those who I have been linked with in whatever ways, however it turned out with you and me, is that each of you brought something unique to my life experience, and I’m grateful for it. I am in no position to judge any of you for anything you have done to me or said about me (truth or lies)…whether it happened within a church context, a work context or just in life in general. I am of the view that the world needs us all to be kind, to try to see the best in others and to allow some slack knowing that all of us fail at different things and in different ways so frequently.
We’ll work it out as we go, right? I hope so. And we’ll maybe choose to be mindful of human frailties and propensities in all contexts of life, whether they are said to be ‘Christian’ ones or not, right? I’ll continue to learn as I go. That’s a given. And I wish you well as you do so too.