A Walk of Faith

Learning to be who we are isn't simple, I realise that. However, if we achieve some progress in that are, I am wondering if life would be somewhat different. By different, in this context, I mean better. If we managed to be less focussed on and driven by what others think of us or by what is expected of us or by what is seen as a demonstration of a successful existence (to name a few), would we breathe a little easier? Would out perspective be positively changed? I wonder if it might.

I observe. It's possibly the way I learn the most. One thing I observe frequently is individuals feeling the need to demonstrate their worth, their place, their popularity, their achievements.....and this list could go on. It is a natural human condition, I guess, but I wonder how much harm it is doing us. And within churches (as well as any other organisation, but for now, churches are my focus), the same pursuit seems to be prevalent. There often seems to be a need to demonstrate success or wisdom or even evidence of God being active, as if He ever were not active.

When did it become a thing that some people within churches feel the need to somehow demonstrate to those within their church family (whilst comparing themselves to other churches) how much “the Holy Spirit is at work”? Why does it sometimes need to be evidenced how much help has been provided to those outside the church? Why does it matter how many young people they have coming to their youth group as if this is a demonstration of success? I don’t understand.

Does that kind of messaging not reveal the actual aim or intrinsic need of somehow being elevated compared to other churches whilst also demonstrating that this is a way of proving they are God’s and what they are doing has worth? And anyway, who has any kind of handle on what is of the Holy Spirit and what is not, or what is impactful and what is not? We have been given discernment for times and situations and there are times when that will be highly attuned and other times when we will not accurately discern. Whether we are tuned in or not are we any less children of God? No. No more than a TV is less a TV whether it is tuned in or not. The status of child of God is only dependant upon individual choice about what we believe concerning God and who He is, not on demonstrating how highly attuned anyone might be at any given time.

Do we need to prove we are God’s? If God is (and if we have chosen to believe that) whatever happens in our lives bears no relation to our status as children of God. Are we more a child of God if our path is strewn with what the world would see as successes or blessings? What if the very blessings from God come in the form of pain and trial? Whatever there is, it is all a part of something bigger that we will only every see the tiniest parts of, never being able to grasp on the full truth of any of it.

If we are God’s as a result of choosing to be, that status is will remain unaffected whatever the life circumstances or situation. A life that is full of tricky stuff isn’t evidence we are less God’s than a life of riches and perceived worldly (or Christian) ‘success’, whatever that is supposed to be.

Are we more God’s if we can hear Him speak and pass on those things to others? Many teach that is not the case but live like it is the case. It didn’t used to annoy me. It annoys me now. This is compounded when the ‘hearing ones’ suggest to others that they must do certain things, worship in particular ways, pray with particular words and be like others in that place. Is that actually not blatant manipulation? I was once (after I’d spoken to the church about what I believed to be a calling for me at the time in that church – which it turned out was very short-lived!), given feedback that was supposed to be an encouragement for me from a leader. I was told that someone from the church family had approached them after I'd spoken and shared they were so excited about me stepping into this work because they agreed with the things I said and (even worse) “she already sounds like one of us”. What? I already sound like one of them? Is that a requirement? To belong here, one has to sound like one of them? How can that be when God created us all to be unique and individual? But for these people, it was genuinely an encouragement.

At a different point in time, I was told by another leader that they felt strongly that God wanted to do huge things in my life. There was a time in my early walk with God, where that would have impacted me in a positive way, and I would have been excited about what this might mean and what was coming. But it didn’t impact me that way when I heard it on this occasion. What I actually had was a follow-up question? So, does that mean God doesn’t want to do huge things in the lives of everyone? I believe He does, although I don’t believe that will always align with what the world sees as ‘huge things’ or success or triumphs.

For those who have been in churches for a while, we’ve heard it preached enough that God’s kingdom is often upside down to that of the world. I believe it can be. It isn’t always, but it can be. However, what I have also witnessed repeatedly is that although this message is preached, what is sometimes lived-out is that there is a formula and way of being that will evidence the power of God working in a life which is demonstrated by the perceived successes or gifts or skills or impact.

I have a question. I have lots of questions. They don’t need answers. They do need for me to consider them, however.

Is God working any more in and through someone who runs a church of thousands of people where it seems like so much good is happening when compared to how He is working in and through the life of someone who in this season of life has become a recluse, is not engaging with anyone and currently does not have the capacity to serve others in any way? It is surely not about evidencing how He is perceived by us mere mortals to be working or what He is doing. I would say He is not more or less working than He is no more or less present. When did it become about a measurement? Weird. But it has. In so many places and for so many individuals. I can’t engage with it.

In another church I visited recently, I was questioned by three people on the same day about whether or not my experience meeting with them for the service was different to when I have been in other places. They wanted to know if I felt it was better than elsewhere. My response was that each place is different as a result of the people who attend church there, but really I wanted to shout and scream “Why are we becoming more and more obsessed with being different or better than other places however that is dressed up?” I don’t understand the need to compete in this way. 

Does it matter how many people attend a service? No. Does it matter what the demographic is in terms of age, race, culture or sexual orientation? No. Why does everything have to be a way of proving worth? If we are God’s children, we are God’s children. That’s it.

I mention these questions around churches because it is linked to the need to belong and the need to know our identity. For many that is wound up in their church relationships and roles. That is not wrong or right. It is just their reality. My observational musing is that this seems to often then become more of a collective searching for belonging and identity where we are already doing that as individuals.

This creates an interesting dynamic. An organisation full of people claiming to be God’s who are undermining that claim as they battle to prove or demonstrate their status as children of God through their service, their insight, their discernment, their ‘whatever’. And this is happening whilst the collective group want to prove their ‘freedom’ or their impact or their effectiveness or their perceived proximity to God compared to the other organisational churches around them. Is this not madness and somewhat completely the opposite of what we have been given by God and how we have been accepted by Him and how we are loved by Him without condition?

Have we lost the collective plot? I’m not sure. But for these reasons, for now, I continue my walk with God without being fully connected to a church. I am His child because I do believe He is. I do belong even if that belonging might not look how others feel it ‘should’.

When we don’t ‘fit’ or mirror the behaviours and ways of those around us, we do still belong. There is a space only we can fill and exist in. And if, for the time being, it is no more than that, it is at least that. And all the time, we have the choice to continue to learn to be more who we were created to be. Maybe.