What is That in My Eye?
In my stumbling around life to get this far, I have been fully influenced by people within churches who have felt justified for their views as they have judged others and by so doing have been (I guess) attempting to elevate self (even if only subconsciously). People who have believed they could see more, knew ‘better’, were wiser and had lived greater experiences, which (in their minds) qualified them to take the metaphorical higher ground. There was a significant amount of time when I was one of those people and I was unaware I was doing it, but I was. Yes, I’d heard the sermons about the Pharisees and Teachers of the law and how Jesus rebuked them whilst I remained exactly like them.
I didn’t see it like that then, I see it like that now. Is it ever truly about knowing or seeing more, or being somehow qualified to judge, or might it instead be about seeing or experiencing differently which might (maybe) bring about a different level of what some would call wisdom? Are any of the stances, views or positions more profound than the others? I dare to suggest they are not better or worse or more insightful than each other. I dare to suggest that as soon as we take any stance where we believe we understand or we know, (and for me that is any stance that goes beyond knowing ‘God is’ and ‘I am’) we are venturing into the kind of place where it might not be wise to tread.
I find sight and insight a strange thing. I guess I realise it is perfectly possible (and is well within my experience) to be in the position where I can’t see for looking. Is my sight clearer now than it had been previously? Maybe, a little. However, I maintain that as soon as I think I can see, I reveal the level of my blindness to myself and beyond myself.
Considering that I have been guilty of elevating myself to a vantage point where I have no remit or permission to reside in judgement over anyone, and considering that I may well still be in some ways I am not currently aware of, is being so closely aligned with the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law without knowing that is happening the fault of the individuals? I would say there is not necessarily blame attached. If the Bible says, as it does, that we are judged on the light we have received, if we cannot yet see our blindness, it results in the reality that we cannot yet see it. If we cannot yet see it, we cannot yet do anything about changing our behaviours of our attitudes. Can we?
Can we blame really anyone for anything (whether that be inside the church or outside of the church)? I am slowly (and it has been slowly) moving towards the stance that we cannot. Do I have scriptural footing on which to suggest such a thing? Maybe. Jesus was clear about blame and the act of judging others in the book of John, chapter 8:
8 1-2 Jesus went across to Mount Olives, but he was soon back in the Temple again. Swarms of people came to him. He sat down and taught them. 3-6 The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, “Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?” They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. 6-8 Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, “The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone.” Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. 9-10 Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?” 11 “No one, Master.” (John 8:1-11)
I learned this story as a child and would have told you I believed in its power and message. I still do. But at that time, I read it as if the Pharisees and the Teacher of the Law were the others. They were the bad people who were trying to catch Jesus out. They were not me. However, decades on I’d tell you something different about how my sight was then. I was (and no doubt still have more than a trace of) the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law in me.
I did judge. All the time. I still judge, if (hopefully/sometimes) less so. I didn’t realise I was judging by internally belittling the behaviours of others and by so doing elevating myself in my own eyes. I realise now it was all a futile attempt to try to secure my place and my worth. It didn’t achieve that subconscious aim. I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing in my judgements and thinking. I believe that the Pharisees and the Teachers of the Law also felt they were doing the right thing when they accused, judged and eventually killed Jesus.
I (hidden beneath my external presentation to the world) judged all who behaved in ways that I felt were not ‘good’ or ‘right’. I judged those who engaged in questionable relationships. I judged those who sinned in any of the ways outlined in scripture or in any ways that I didn’t think would be ‘allowed’ by God. In my heart of hearts, I believed that the only way to live the right kind of life was to be clean and to do the right things all the time. That was the way to belong. At the grass roots of it, I believed I would be accepted and loved if my behaviours were correct. All my effort, back then, went into that aim. Dawn, you must behave so that you are able to belong and be fully accepted.
Without the need to trawl through my life to date, I can confirm (and am not ashamed of) a few simple facts. ALL the questionable relationships I once judged and condemned, I have now lived myself. All of them. All the attitudes I saw in others and knew were less than good I have (and do) engage with even now. All that I considered sin and wrong, I am guilty of.
Please don’t misunderstand, I knew, in a cerebral way, that I was a sinner before I went on to commit the (some would say) more significant or obvious sins. I just had no experience of the reality of it because of limited sight and insight into my own mess of a life. I knew what Paul said of himself in a letter he sent to Timothy: 15 Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. (1 Timothy 1:15)
Paul said that knew that he was the worst of all sinners, which was largely wound up in his aggressive and active persecution of the followers of Jesus. His dramatic revelational experience on the Damascus Road showed him that in a way that we can only understand to any level when we have had our own seeing of that truth, which might slowly unfold or (like in Paul’s case) land suddenly. I knew in a cerebral way that I was a sinner, but I was detached from it. It wasn’t really real. It’s weird how perspective changes depending on the sin we see or on what we categorise as sin along with where we are in head and heart.
This side of ‘committing’ the more obvious sins, it’s easier to genuinely feel that I am the worst of all sinners. Back then, I couldn’t see it with any real integrity (although I thought I was doing so at the time). The fact, however, is that I didn’t really see it.
I now consider the reality to be that as a human I will sin. I am human, I will sin. You are human, you will sin. And as a direct consequence of our sin, therein lies the gift of being made clean by the One who stood in the place of punishment for us. I’m not suggesting that’s a reason to abuse that gift, but I am beginning to more fully acknowledge that gift even if I am not (apparently) fully ready to completely accept it.
This scripture continues to blow my mind a bit:
6 While we were still helpless [powerless to provide for our salvation], at the right time Christ died [as a substitute] for the ungodly. (Romans 5:6)
As a teenager and into my twenties, I knew of the teaching that we cannot earn a place or earn value. I knew that technically it is a gift given to us irrespective of us, but my actions and mindset demonstrated that I still believed I must earn the belonging and the value. I’d like to tell you that I’ve moved on from that place, but have I?
There remains a lurking background question, if I’m honest: Is a true sense of belonging and a real awareness of value as an individual only for those who behave well and demonstrate God on Earth? That isn’t what the Bible says, and it isn’t what is preached from pulpits, but so often it is what is lived by those who say they believe what the Bibles says. Isn’t it? So many of us still act as though we must earn acceptance and belonging and even love. Don’t we? I’ve for sure shifted from the teenager who tried (in self disabling measure) to be as white as white could be. But there are also still parts of me, inside of me, where it is impossible for me to fully believe I am accepted and loved exactly as I am right now. I am nearer to that with God than I have ever been before, but I am pretty sure I am only touching the very edge of what is just there waiting for me to accept it.
Concerning my ways of being and those of the Pharisees and Teachers of Law, I wonder if the root is different to what I used to think it was. Is it all fundamentally rooted in insecurity, underpinned by a sense of inadequacy? Is it about trying to grasp too tightly onto something we think we know, something black or white, something tangibly clear and can see because that is easier than just accepting a gift? Is it also about being too full of pride to align ourselves more fully with those of lesser rank, wealth, culture, (this list could go on forever)...? Maybe. The Bible is clear, as was Jesus. Acceptance by God and the gift of God standing in the gap for us to protect us from the consequences of our own sin is something that is for anyone. Anyone. And that is true whatever their wrongdoing. That’s the biblical stance.
Is that not what made the Teachers of the Law and the Pharisees so angry? They followed (or aimed to follow) the laws of Moses and they could not accept that having a place with God, having intrinsic value/worth is a gift for all who chose to accept it. It was too much for them to even begin to grasp and, to be fair to them, it’s a bit too much for me to grasp too.
I am aware that if I continue along this road of truly learning the reality and truth wound up in all of this, my life will not be the same, but I can see I am so far off from any kind of final destination regarding it. Maybe there isn’t one.
Life has a way of steering us, I reckon. And I also reckon that is By Design. My ‘now’ truth is that I can’t find my worth and value in my career anymore because (without the need for details) that has gone. I can’t find my belonging in my role as mum to a child who is now a capable and independent adult himself. I cannot earn a place anywhere right now. When I could, I didn’t think I was doing so...but now I can’t, I can see I was doing exactly that. I was making myself needed. I was constantly aiming to achieve some level of greater good. With that in mind, I admit that there may well be a very good reason those things have gone now.
Okay, so I have a lifelong awareness of many biblical teachings relating to this subject matter and yet here we have an internal being who demonstrates these teachings have not yet been truly absorbed. It will need some Divine help to take this developing cerebral knowledge and awareness to any other part of my being. Maybe it is becoming more of a reality. Little by little. Maybe.
“Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5)