Care When Giving Advice
I realise that, probably, if asked, most people would agree that we need to be careful when giving advice to anyone about anything. It’s logical and sensible to suggest such a ‘care’, isn’t it? And yet, are we full of care when we advise (I include myself, although I am shifting in how I do it having noticed what I was doing)? I’m (more and more) thinking, it’s not carefully considered advice that is often offered. It’s not always the kind of advice that leaves room for the person receiving the advice to be able to believe they are fully free to make their own choices without the disapproval of others if they act in opposition to the advice they have had been given. I’m (more and more) thinking that often it’s more a case of us simply offering advice entirely based on our own experiences, failures, life choices or whatever else with little or no regard to the fact that the person we are giving the advice to is not us. It has made me wonder if most of the advice we give to others is more about what we might say to ourselves in hindsight. Weirdly, though, if someone had given us that advice at the time, we’d have ignored it and made our own choices anyway. And I’m of the view (now) that this is all right and good and excellent and lovely.
Is it not wise and right to leave room for each individual person to make their own choices whatever view or opinion or preference we may have regarding their choices? Their choices are, after all, their own and not ours. Right? And when I speak of people in this context, I am referring to older teenagers and adults rather than younger children, because of course children need more guidance to ensure their safety amongst many other things. Although, even with that said, it is wise, is it not, to allow appropriate decision making for children too? Does it not teach them early on that all choices have follow-on consequences of whatever kind? I think it does, but that level is maybe more around what they might choose to wear (as one example of many) rather than whether or not they need to see a doctor when unwell.
Is it time for us all to step back a little and allow others to decide whatever, whenever and however and love the person with the decision to make and accept their choices regardless of our own views? Might this help people to feel more accepted as ‘beings’ just as they are, whilst living exactly how they are and whilst navigating life as best as they can? Might it free them up to feel that any decision they make is theirs to make and does not need to be too closely monitored? Can’t decisions become almost impossible to make if too much weight is placed on the value of any decisions someone else must make? I’m thinking that maybe this is the case, yes.
Before I go any further, it’s confession time. I have always held strong opinions about what people ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do. I had it modelled to me that it was perfectly okay (even ‘normal’) to live like that. I began my shift from this ‘position’ several years ago when I realised that in real terms, I (rightly) have absolutely no control over what anyone else chooses to do in any regard or in any way in their own lives. Weirdly, (or not) it is very liberating to not have the responsibility of others’ choices and decisions on my shoulders. Much better for all if they carry their own decisions.
I used to get frustrated over how others couldn’t see that they’d be better off if they followed my advice or did it my way. Hmmmm. Really, Dawn? Seeing that written in black and white, it’s blatantly clear I was fully deluded and ridiculous by being like this, even though my opinions were mostly only held internally, and I would say were for the good of the advisee. But I did live like this, and I only realised I used to live like it by navigating some seriously large life shifts that have forced my perspective to be altered. I still slip back into it, until I remember to see what I’m doing and simply stop. I watch how others are with others, and it’s everywhere. So many people feel fully justified in judging, advising and instructing others as to what they should do with their lives and in their lives (whether they tell them directly or just talk about them to whoever will listen or join in). We really do need to stop that nonsense as it’s not helpful for anyone, I now believe.
This thinking about advice and how best to give it (if at all) became a writing because of some discussions I was part of regarding the upcoming decisions of a teenager about the next steps in their education. With the very best will in the world (no doubt), so many teens are told by adults around them that these decisions are huge and will massively impact their future. Adults at school or college, family members, and whoever else are guilty of it, and I do recognise that this is mostly done with the best of intents.
But will they? Will the decisions about what subjects they will study next actually massively impact their future? On the one level, I hear what this advice is trying to do, but on another, these practical decisions about educational study no more massively impact their future than any other decision they might make at any given point about any given scenario or life choice, do they?
Every single decision we make, from what we eat to where will go, to who we will go with, to who we spend time with, or who we are influenced by, or what we expose ourselves to, or indeed any decision about anything at all has the potential of impacting our future, doesn’t it? So, what are we playing at when we present to the teenager making the next life choice concerning which subjects to study that their decision is such a huge one? Are we not simply adding unnecessary pressure and weight onto a process that does not need to be so onerous or pressured?
Yes, sure, if a teenager already knows they want to be a doctor or whatever else as a starting point for a career, I get it. Specific subjects will be needed. Lovely. Those teenagers have a direction of travel. There are steps to take to move towards those goals and it makes perfect sense that they will study subjects that will help them move into the career they currently think they are choosing to work towards. Lovely. Those teenagers are the lucky ones (I think), in so many ways. They have something to aim at and a path to follow. Lovely. Tidy. Easy (kinda).
This is less about those teens, and more about others who do not yet know what they would like to do as work or career when they have left full time education. I have some questions before we proceed.
How many of us did know what we wanted to do as adults as jobs? How many of us followed a path and went straight into those jobs? How many of us progressed and developed our skills within that same field and maybe moved into management positions? How many of us only had one career throughout our working lives? There will be some, sure. But is this what happens to most of us? I think not.
There are many articles written in recent times about how teenagers are not coping with their mental health. Although there are so many contributing factors as to why this might be the case (and it will (of course) be a mixture of things that are contributing to the mental health of our teens), and although these scenarios and situations will be different for (and affect differently) each individual teenager, I am concerned about the educational advice offered to teens as they navigate (in the best way they can) ‘teendom’.
Am I suggesting we don’t give advice? I am not. I believe there is wisdom in offering our experience if that is wanted or welcomed, of course. But the person who is hearing it must be allowed to freely go and (if they choose to) make the same mistakes we did or experience whatever consequences of whatever their decisions may be. We all learn as we live. They will learn as they live.
If we offer advice in a kind of ‘you must do this or that or the other’ tone, all we are doing is simply pushing that person away. If anyone tells me what I must do or must not do, I am more likely to do the opposite of what they said simply so that I am not following their advice. I will not be told what to do. Yes, there is most definitely a lot of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (if we must label it) within my autistic ways, but it is not only autists who live with that. I believe all humans have a measure of it.
It is quite staggering to me to watch how others feel justified in saying what another should or shouldn’t do when they themselves would never just ‘do as they were told’ if given direct instruction. I wonder why we don’t all just wake up a bit, open our eyes and see that the wisest way is to allow each person to make their own decisions and live them knowing they are fully free to do so. Why not allow whatever scenarios to outplay in their lives and be there alongside as they do (without judgement and definitely without ever saying ‘I told you so’ or whatever variant of that)? Why not encourage individual decision making based on gathering of information, yeah, but then underpinned with a genuine freedom to choose without the external judgement of others? Why not see good outcomes as great for that time but see perceived failures as just as worthwhile (maybe even more worthwhile) in terms of life experience and of learning?
I do advocate that we offer advice (carefully) when it is welcomed. But I advocate it only when there is a huge caution attached. It is my firm belief that we must properly analyse and consider what the true motivation for our advice is. Are we thinking more about ourselves than we are about (as one of many examples) the young person who has grown up in a very different world to the one we grew up in? Are we revelling in being able to give advice because it makes us feel wise or important? Do we have an inner need to believe we are always right and so our advice must be followed? Are there selfish roots in our giving of advice that more feeds us than the advice receiver?
I can’t speak (or write) for you. I speak (write) just as myself with the lessons I am continuing to learn. In my ‘now’, when it comes to advice, I am more and more cautious to ensure that any advice I may give is followed by a genuine caveat that the one hearing it is best placed to know what they will want to do. Also, I am learning to advise that some decisions aren’t as big as we make them out to be. Furthermore (and in contrast), I am living proof that poor decision making isn’t the end. We decide. We act. We live. We adjust. We learn (mostly). Repeat. Right?