Melissa’s Thoughtfulness
There’s a lot of self-doubt that you (as human and maybe even more so as autist human) try to manage, yes? There’s a fair amount of second-guessing about your actions and definitely concerning the actions of others, yes? This is also often enhanced with a propensity for (what some might say is) over-dramatisation, yes? And there’s frequently a splattering of over-reaction thrown in for good measure (however much a good measure is, and whether it’s measured in grams or millilitres or whatever else), yes?
Yeah? Me too.
At the start of this ‘make a website of writings’ project, I decided to start writing tens of thousands of words because writing tens of thousands of words is what I do as a natural default when there’s a need to process. I know that’s part of how many of us with this wiring work, so I just went for it. I needed a project, and it was a project.
Writing tens of thousands of words (repeatedly although the content is usually altered, even if just by nuance) has worked for me before in a few seasons of life, and I decided I would do so again but this time I’d be more open about it. I’d share my processes and ways of being on the web that is worldwide. I would face whatever criticism or judgement may ensue. A self-destruct grand plan to expose myself to such attack? Maybe. One can never be sure with me…but I have a feeling I’m communicating with many people who approach life similarly. And hey, if we’re in charge of our own next demise or damage, it makes it easier to manage, right? Actually, wrong…but I do still keep doing it! Anyway, I decided to write and process via writing and do it publicly.
I had the main motivation that if any of my writing was of use to a single other person on the planet, then it was worth doing.
I got help to create the website (because website creation is not a skill I have, and if it were left to me, I’d have got cross with it and likely would have given up with it…but maybe don’t mention that to the people who have seen my more patient side – which is the persona I mostly present to the outside world when I am masking (which is nearly all of the time). Who are those in the ‘outside world’, easy: all outside of me and my inner circle…except, I’ve now let you in too. 🤦🏻♀️ Hey ho. It’s done. If I’m going to be real, I’d best just run with it. Run with it? Run with what? You are picking up heightened Dawn? Yes? Well, she is (heightened) and that’s fine and dandy and just a thing for today – and maybe other days…who am I kidding? It’ll be many other days. 😂)
The reason for my being heightened is nothing to do with the topic about which I’m writing, but I’ve mentioned it because it’s real and it’s now. The reasons for my heightened are bound to crop up in other pieces (!) but for now, I shall try to focus on the purpose of writing today.
There is an angel in my life who I have never met and may never meet, although I have learnt to never say never…
Melissa.
She landed in the
She landed on a day when I’d already had a mini meltdown about the fact that I seem to be creating this website for the benefit of bots (whatever they are) to land on the site and then disappear in 0.001 seconds which means they also properly mess up my website data and ‘bounce rate’ (I’m on a steep learning curve, as basically, for any of you who do understand the inner workings of all things like this, I am clueless! I am even more clueless about this than I am about anything considered ‘popular culture’ too, along with a whole other list of ‘clueless areas too’ What can I say? I have other strengths. 🤷🏻♀️).
I do confess that I might have become a little obsessive about the data, as I use it as a way of proving to myself whether it’s worth having the website or not. The fact that all the ways we have of measuring data seem to contradict one another and seem to be of little help is not the point. It’s data and I do love data. If we ever find a way of being able to fully rely on it, oh my, Dawn will have a part of her existence that will be settled and balanced (likely, that’s lies!).
The point is that on the day in question, the website data wasn’t encouraging. It didn’t matter (at the time) that according to one data source we had (within the first 2 months of being ‘live’) 189 unique visitors (which might be the same people in some cases with different IP addresses, but even so) and there were 362 visits from those 189 unique visitors who had been to have a look around. It wasn’t getting through my head that the average visit life of 15 minutes and 31 seconds wasn’t bad and a bounce rate of 58.29% (which includes the annoying bots, whoever they are, with their near-lightning speed reaction times) also wasn’t hideous for website creation novices who are learning on the job. No, Dawn didn’t notice any of that. All Dawn saw was that on that day, 3 bots had visited, and the average visit time was 0.001 minutes. So, she had done the thing she can sometimes have a propensity to do and lost the plot momentarily (it was quite a few moments, tbh).
Dawn had also forgotten about the fact she’d been published by ‘The Art of Autism’ and had (somehow) written this huge deal off internally as some kind of freak occurrence that probably wasn’t even real. How could it be real? It (however) was real…and her doubts about it were simply indicative of the state of Dawn’s mind during that week.
But then she appeared as an angel of light.
Melissa materialised.
She landed with this:
“I am a late in life (56 years old) discovered autistic woman. I just wanted to tell you I really appreciate this website and I REALLY like your writing. Your perspective makes me laugh! I hope that's OK, as I mean it as a compliment.
Thank you for putting this all together! ………. I am a musician and a poet and I really appreciate all of this. Lots of great insights and information.”
I received a message from someone checking my in-box to say, “Check the admin@ in-box”. I couldn’t because I was out walking Raffie, and I’ve intentionally not put it on my phone because of my obsessive tendencies. He sent me the message via text.
I read Melissa’s writings. I couldn’t help but smile. It was the hugest smile. I knew that it was unlikely Melissa would know just how well-timed and how appreciated her encouragement would be. I did reply to tell her, and I did also let her know that she was the first person to be in touch via the ‘Contact Us’ link. But Melissa, oh my!
Melissa is now my angel from the middle of the USA, so far away from me in the South-East corner of the UK. She will always be the first person to have ever got in touch via the ‘Contact Us’ link and to encourage this (some might say) crazy, weird autist from the UK to keep writing.
Melissa got me thinking. I can’t speak for all of us, but I am fairly confident about some aspects of traits we all share…and those traits that can be (it seems to me) particularly prevalent within an autist.
We can spend so much time doubting self and being focussed on what we can’t do very well, that it colours our whole view of our place ‘here’. We can spend so much time noticing what is difficult to manage about self or life, whilst paying particularly close attention to those times we’ve messed up (to whatever extent and in whatever context), that we fail to notice other (more positive) things.
What if we can have a worthwhile impact in life by simply being our authentic selves? Oh my. I’d love that. My husband tells me I do do that. I can’t hear him because he's biased (I think) and, yes, I also recognise that in some way or other we are all biased about all things…but even so, I couldn’t hear him. However, Melissa…
Melissa doesn’t know me at all (other than what she’s read). And if I am in some tiny weeny way helping Melissa on her journey of self-discovery then my aim of having a website is worthwhile. I initially said that if it helped one single person, it was worth doing. I am under no illusion that my writing style (for want of a better term) is just ‘too much’ for some, muddled for others and alien to many. But Melissa is my proof (I do so love proof) that for some, my way of writing is accessible for them and in a sense is ‘company’, perhaps.
Maybe none of us truly realises the impact we have by being who we are, how we are and where we are as we do what we do. Maybe we also don’t always realise how much of an effect our encouragement of another might have. Melissa, I realise you probably didn’t know the impact your email would have, but quite simply…thank you.