Live, Observe, Learn, Repeat

In our own deluded minds, we speak and act and behave as if we are somehow ‘right’. Our ability to take advice from anyone at all (whatever their experience or expertise) is so limited it is almost non-existent. I guess this is different if our aim is to emulate them (the one giving advice) in some way or get whatever it is they seem to have…but unless that’s the case, there seems to me to be a general inclination to ignore anything anyone else says about anything and simply ‘do it our way’, regardless. In one sense, when viewed from one perspective, it’s potentially amusing to observe. From another perspective, maybe it is a little intriguing.

We might accept some level of coaching concerning practical learning but in terms of our behaviours, unless we’re in our own pickle and have sought ‘help’, we will (mostly, it seems) continue as we are. We will live life largely how we have been living it. We will comment on things that happen as if it is down to this or that reason. We will often blame, point, excuse, justify and then continue to do it (life) just as we were doing it before. We are unlikely to pause to notice that if we keep doing it the way we have been, the outcomes will remain as they always have. I think we’re weird. None of this is very logical or sensible or even rational as a way of being, and yet, we plough on with our judging of others and our avoidance of self. Whilst we do that, we manage to mostly side-step any benefit we might gain from shifting aspects of how we do it (life). Weird.

There isn’t (it seems to me) much space for ‘thinkers’ or for those who analyse behaviours and modify their own, to advise about anything. The internal mantra of “I will do as I think best” kicks in for the reader/hearer, and that’s what we seem to default to. Some might half-heartedly try out actioning advice given/read but this is accompanied by the background and often silent aim of needing to prove it (the advice/strategies/help/instruction) doesn’t apply to whoever is reading it (I include myself) and will probably not work for them (still including me). Weird.

From what I can see, so many of us spend much of our energies (physical, emotional, mental) trying to belong, to gain recognition, to be popular, to be affirmed, to be ‘better than…’, to achieve a level of status or respect, and all manner of other things which fundamentally boil down to ‘being seen’. Okay. Fine. I ‘get’ why that happens (in part). What intrigues me is that while we strive for that sense of being part of something bigger than ourselves, many of us also feel the need to make our own pathway and fight any conformity in how we do it (life) by doing it our way. Interesting. We want to be fully a part of whilst being fully individual. So, does that not mean we could spend all our energies proving both things (that we belong and are fully individual, and therefore one of a kind)? If that is what we are doing, is that not a bit of an odd thing in itself? Aren’t we already a part of something bigger than ourselves simply by being a human sharing a planet with other humans? And are we not already fully individual anyway? So, if both of those things are already true, does that not mean our existence can be a demonstration of the fact that we’re fighting for and striving to gain that which already ‘is’? Weird.

I know I live by holding various opposing tensions in some kind of semi-balance (occasional balance might be a more appropriate definition of this precarious concept). I have been told by people who for a season might be close to me (and these people do not know each other or have any link in terms of lifestyle or even interests) that I am a living paradox. Okay. Maybe I am (and I doubt I’m alone in such a label or definition). I do continue to learn that there are very few absolutes. Maybe there are many things that seem to be opposing or conflicting in how I live life, while these things are also always aligned. Maybe I can be (to use the extremes whilst not disregarding the more nuanced aspects readily available) both fragile and strong, humorous and serious, careless and careful. Maybe I can be judged as both successful and yet also a failure in terms of achievements or concerning my management of self, my behaviours, my tendencies and my thinking. Maybe I can be assessed (by whatever ‘measure’) as someone who actively lives out various opposites simultaneously, and I can concede that I do…in so many ways, (and that, not by intent). The listing of ways that apparent opposites exist in me could go on for some time, but I choose to pause it here. In real terms, I doubt my ‘list’ is hugely different to yours.

What I have noticed, however, is that even with an occasional ability to partially hold my personal dichotomies somewhere internal, and live, allowing them to kind of co-exist, there is a metaphorical wall I keep walking into. I’m stuck behind it today having decided that boldly walking into it and causing myself extensive bruising isn’t resulting in any kind of discernible progress. It’s to do with words. I use a lot of them. Lots of people use a lot of them. We talk and write too much (probably). We’re (mostly, potentially) forgetting how to listen. We talk and write to drown out the void internal, I reckon.

What is the metaphorical wall in my ‘now’? My current musing is that there is little or no point in communicating what is internal to what is external because people are drowning in their own existences and priorities and aims (which includes their own strivings to both fully belong and be fully unique in how they belong, as previously mentioned). They are also drowning as they are bombarded by a near constant barrage of information of varying kinds and they have access to so many streams of consciousness. This idea is partially damage inducing because I like to write and would prefer there was a way my writing might bring something positive to humans who live on Earth alongside me, even if only in tiny ways. People are largely deaf to words and yet here I am still using too many of them. It remains both amusing and perplexing.

I’ve realised a few things over lots of years about my own writings. When challenged by anything I write/say, people mostly (it seems) need to justify their decision/actions/ mindset/continue list as appropriate – except, they don’t need to justify anything, as each of us gets to choose our own decisions/actions/mindsets/etc. However, the need to justify oneself is a reasonably common response to being presented with another perspective. If offended by anything I write/say, they seem to not engage with me or my words because my views are not aligning with theirs and it is easier to ignore me and them (the words). For things I write/say that require action, there is usually a reason (or several) those actions are not possible in their particular case.

Additionally, regarding those who would rather engage in finger pointing at others (i.e. where can the ‘blame’ be placed?) and those who enjoy ranting about whatever, I guess my stuff isn’t comfortable to read because it is all about personal responsibility for our own responses and actions. I can see that makes the content less palatable. And for those who feel life has enough ‘stuff’ in it of whatever kind (from troubles to stress to busyness and beyond), why expose themselves to yet another person’s ideas and thinking?

I guess I have realised (in a new way) that I am doing that which I hate happening to me. I am forcing words and ideas and thoughts at people who do not want to engage with them, have no need of them, and who are arguably better off without them. This is my current metaphorical wall.

So, I have decided (which might shift or might not) that I need to give the world a gift of some quiet to be able to do whatever they choose to do in the way they choose to do it. After all, it’s what they’ll do anyway, and it is what I do too. Maybe it is time for less words around my existence. I’m challenging myself to engage in less commentary.

Maybe this gift to the world will have the impact of a butterfly flapping its wings wherever. Maybe a bit more silence will ensue. Maybe a few more of us will be forced (as I have been) to confront what is real rather than what we perceived to be real (but turned out not to be). And maybe this will benefit life now and life moving forwards.

A footnote? Why not? I doubt I’ll ‘zip it’ for long because if I did manage much time of ‘zip-ed-ness’, spontaneous combustion might ensue.  😂 However, let’s find out. And right now, I’m off to see how my plants are doing. Laters. x