Live, Observe, Learn, Repeat

The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) describes it as “emotional support or encouragement”.

Some speak affirmations to themselves to counteract negative thinking patterns or give themselves a boost to help them move towards achieving aims they have for themselves. There may be some positive outcomes because of that approach if it’s rooted in things that are true.

Some parents ensure they affirm their children about who they are and what they achieve. This seems to lead to greater security in who and how those children are as children and then as adults. Others approach parenthood believing it is better to not to affirm as the child needs to be resilient to cope with life. This approach seems to create more inner insecurity in the child which spills into their adult life too. I’m not suggesting this is an exact science, but I think I see those trends in the lives of many children and adults I have encountered.

I believe affirmation is hugely powerful. I am certain that I would not have achieved some of the things I have if I had not been affirmed by key individuals at specific times in many different contexts. Affirmation, in essence, when rooted in things that are true, is positive. It has the potential to encourage personal growth in an individual. It is powerful. It is encouraging. It helps to build people up internally which may help them in life.

My reason for writing about it, is what do we do when that nugget of power is used in a slightly twisted way? What do we do when it still looks the same from the outside, but the purpose of the affirmation is different than a true affirming process? What do we do when the affirmation is given with the underlying intent of some form of manipulation or coercion?

A decision has been made about up-coming changes in a professional context and the ones in charge meet with individuals in the organisation as part of the change management process. The ones in charge of decision-making use affirmation (because often they’ve been taught to do so) as a way of gaining compliance or backing for the imminent changes from the individual. They aim to make the individual feel valued and important. Is the true aim to make the individual feel valued, or is it more weighted to getting them ‘on board’? Is it a mixture of both? Maybe. Some kind of evidence of value may be offered to the individual to further evidence how important the individual is to the organisation and how vital they are to the successful implementation of the up-coming changes. The individual leaves the room with a pay increase and the sense of being valued (along with the associated positive feelings related to both outcomes). The ones in charge have achieved their aim of activating the next stages of the changes they’ve been told (by those above them) must happen next.

Is everyone in this scenario a winner? Some may see it as that. I don’t.

In a different context and area of life, One has noticed Two. One thinks they would like to interact with Two. One has noticed they have an internal ‘want’ to be noticed by Two. One is interested in a kind of social game or experiment to see what will happen if they interact with Two. One affirms Two to gauge a reaction (knowing that the more subtle the affirmation the more impactful it is likely to be). One affirms Two in a variety of ways. They comment on looks, personality traits, skills or perceived life successes to boost Two’s self-esteem. One is keen to see how Two will react. Two notices the affirmation (and is especially impressed with the subtle affirmations delivered alongside a sense of being treated as an equal) and loves the feeling of it. It has a huge impact on them emotionally, mentally and even physically. Two may even reciprocate affirmation towards One. Where does this end up? In any one of a variety of outcomes, I’m sure.

Isn’t it a good thing that Two has now noticed One? Isn’t it a nice thing that Two has (likely) also affirmed One? Maybe, on one level. But why this affirmation? Was it with the single aim of giving true and genuine affirmation? Was it to achieve a partial aim of reciprocal affirmation? Was it rooted in the hope of more, in terms of relationship?

Don’t get me wrong, I believe we all need to experience affirmation and we need to have genuine affirmation in our lives, both about who we are and what we do. I am not anti-affirmation, but I am aware of the potential wisdom in a closer analysis of each affirmation; from where it comes and the possible reasons it is being delivered.

I am (and was, even more than I am now) a self-confessed affirmation junkie. I think many of us are, in one way or another. It has got me into all kinds of crazy life scenarios. Why? Because I used to receive it in a way that was totally naïve, I now realise. I thought the affirmation was only to support and encourage, like the OED defines it. Oops. It is widely mentioned that autists often are very literal in how they experience and interpret things and I have most definitely done exactly that with affirmation. Repeatedly.

Have I become more aware each time when there is another motive fuelling the affirmation? Yes. Is that a good thing? I’m not sure. Has it been a necessary thing? Most definitely, yes. Have I ventured into being sceptical of affirmation? Sometimes, yes. No, hang on, the truth is that, often, yes, I am sceptical of it.

My lessons to self, amidst it all?

1. Maintain a level of caution when receiving affirmation and at least be aware of the impact it has on me as an affirmation junkie.
2. Only affirm another if the only motivation is to affirm.

I’m an advocate of the kind of affirmation that the OED describes. For those of us who have misplaced that kind, I hope we can re-find it. We will, I expect. Eventually.