The Power of Now
There is now. So, why do so many of us either (perpetually or for various life seasons) live with a focus on what was, or what we think ‘should’ be? Why do humans spend so much energy mentally (and emotionally) replaying things that caused harm (for whatever reason or in whatever way, even if that harm was fully unintentional by those people who seemed to be responsible – from the perspective of the ‘victim’)?
In contrast, but also similarly, why (as seems to happen often) dwell on trying to somehow capture and trap experiences that were so hugely positive (for whatever reason) and then attempt to drag them from the past into the now? The reality is that they already have impacted ‘the now’ just by having been experienced and in some measure absorbed, and it might be wise to let those things live on as memories (if you’re the kind of person who works that way…although the ‘memory’ word has been a bit weirdly used around me and now makes me feel a little queasy – but hey, (like many humans and MANY autists) I have a super-sensitivity to words and their use). It might be best to let the marvellous past happenings metaphorically breathe as they did when they lived without trying to force them into now. It might be better if we do not aim for our experience of them to be replicated. Isn’t it unlikely the attempted replication will happen anyway? By trying to ‘make happen what has previously happened, and of having the aim of enjoying the same (or similar) feeling or experience of it’, does that not include the need to have some kind of control or management of how other humans may respond, react or experience a time, place or event? Good luck with that. Thankfully, (after many stalled attempts and by utilising some carefully chosen and repeatedly adapted and ever-evolving self-management strategies) I can usually (eventually) leave what was where it was, for good or ill. I will even tell myself out loud (to add additional weight to the message to myself, because…well…that’s helpful isn’t it? ), “Dawn, THIS is now.”
Life-shifts give us an opportunity, I’ve decided. It’s true for me, if not for you. We can think we are living in the best ways (based on what we have lived and experienced up to any given point) until something (often drastic in terms of the impact it has on us) happens in our world to make us look at the whole of life differently. I realise that through my autistic lens and living experience, I can tend to cut off or move on from situations I’ve decided are best left. That is part of my nature anyway and comes without too much concern about what others will think (which is a significant shift from the crippling fear of how I’d be judged about every single thing that I lived with as a child even though (probably) no one was even judging me). However, life events that are (let’s call them) ‘a surprise’ can have quite an impact on how we look at the life we have, can’t they?
Priorities that were, suddenly, are not. Things that seemed valuable are now worth little or nothing to us. Activities or connections that were unimportant, suddenly become truly important. Our use of time can also be radically altered. Our sense of self, of value, of achievement, or whatever it is was that was driving us before ‘the shift’, must be found elsewhere or we must adjust to lessening the need for those things.
Even theoretically, ‘the shift’ cannot be understood by others on any level that can help us navigate it (all views, as ever, my own). Those with similar experiences to us are not us and circumstances will not be identical, so while there might be some level of link, it is tenuous at best. I realise I can be a little bit literal about such matters, but there we are.
At these life altering times, we have choices. Daily, hourly, minute-by-minute choices. Do we try to hold onto what has now gone? Do we re-live what was as a way of keeping it as near as it can be? Do we try to find someone or a set of circumstances to blame to help us process the loss/the shift/ the change? Inevitably, I guess we are likely to try all the above at some times and in some ways. I certainly have. But I am more and more convinced that there is truly only one resting place (that is in attempting to live in the ‘now’), and it is increasingly becoming for me a kind of mantra in how I think, in what and how I am learning to live, in what I write and in how I interact with our species and with other life forms (pets and animals, not aliens).
I cannot affect what is past. It has gone. Whatever the rights or wrongs of whatever scenarios or situations or relationships or health (continue list as necessary), it was lived at the time of it being lived. It is not here now. It has all informed how I am now – of course, so it has worth now, but it is not ‘now’.
Did you (like me) think that ‘now’ for you would look radically different to how it actually is? Was there a process of grieving what is now not and the seemingly lost opportunities within all of that? Did that then lead (or simultaneously include) a huge amount of processing concerning the acceptance of what will not will ‘not be’ because of the life altering event/situation/season?
What are we to do with a future that looks like an entirely different landscape than what we anticipated would be ours to navigate?
We can do it. It is doable. I truly believe it can be lived in a wholly different way (likely) to how we lived before. Some of it might even be enjoyable (in some ways) if we allow the enjoyment of it to creep in (which (by the way) it won’t if we are too determined to be bitter about the loss or the injustice or the harm or whatever).
I mentioned the pull of the past on the now, but there’s the other pull. Many humans seem ridiculously fixated on the future they are aiming for or outcomes they feel they must achieve. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s not a criticism of anyone doing that. Don’t we all do that for at least some of our lives? And maybe for some (me included), it takes a life altering scenario to make us look at such drive differently.
We all have the choice to plan what we’ll be doing in 5 years from now. You can aim for the attainment of certain things in your life (e.g. what car you will have), or what you will achieve (maybe in your career). Of course, you can. All individual choices will be different for each of us, and rightly so, there being no one path that is right and best for everyone at all stages of their lives. There must be flexibility, surely. And (surely, too) it is wise to allow room for individual experimentation in how to do this life thing, right?
However, there can be such an emphasis on what must be that humans can effectively begin fighting with what ‘is’ for the sake of cause of what they think should or could be in the future. Tricky. When I unravel that path mentally, (and having walked it a bit in previous lives) does it not get too complicated and frustrating? Doesn’t it make ‘now’ fraught with disappointment about the actions (or non-actions) of others? Doesn’t it result in a more negative view of self when we haven’t achieved exactly what we set out to? Doesn’t it only provide us with a long list (and experiences of) a lot of negative fallout?
I’m not suggesting we should never plan. That isn’t real either. Planning is part of who and how we operate as humans, isn’t it? But I wonder if some of the damage we inflict on ourselves is caused by fixating too much on the future. Maybe it is less about what we are planning to do and is more about how tightly we are holding onto those plans. How much will we be prepared to sacrifice along the way to make sure we ‘get there’ (wherever ‘there’ is)?
So many people (past and present) teach, write, speak and preach about the power of now. I realise I am just a tiny voice amidst an army of much more powerful, more well-qualified and louder voices who have lived and learnt some relatively small lessons about living life in the now (including after (maybe) some life altering situations and scenarios).
Whatever anyone says, each person gets to choose how and what they live (whatever has gone before and whatever might be coming), don’t they? And that’s quite an incredible thing, isn’t it?
In ‘the now’, the past will have had some impact, yeah okay, but it doesn’t stop you (or me) from living now (albeit differently to how you (or I) might have anticipated). It doesn’t stop you (or me) valuing and enjoying what is now (even if there remains some lingering grief of what was).
In ‘the now’, our future plans can only truly be potential plans. If we hold them loosely, it might stop us humans from trying to control many life scenarios, or the actions or reactions of people around us as we march (or stroll) towards the pre-decided aims and objectives of our lives. Our potential future doesn’t have to drain us or be some kind of weird enemy towards us. The presence of any planed or hoped for potential future doesn’t stop us from pausing a little and seeing good in those around us as we attempt to live the reality of what ‘is’ and of what is real ‘now’.
To close this musing, (and this is after my own reaction to (and experience of) several life altering events), there’s a line from a song I used to teach the children in schools to sing that’s rolling around inside my head. I’ll let you in on it, even if it might seem twee. “Life is a wonderful thing, for sure, life is a wonderful thing.”
So, ‘now’ what?! (That was a joke. Get it? It’s poor. I’m leaving it in.) ☺️