The Power of Will, or Not
It’s always better for me (and my mindset) when I manage to eat only the foods that I know don’t cause me to inflate like a 5-month-old pregnant woman. There is also wisdom (I’ve discovered) in ensuring I don’t drink too much coffee either. I know this. Do I want to look like a 5-month pregnant woman? No, not whilst not pregnant. Whilst pregnant? Yes, of course. Whilst not pregnant? No. Do I have the control to not look like a non-pregnant pregnant-looking woman of 5 months? Yes. At least, that’s a ‘yes’ if I can train Will and his Power to start making better choices. Do I manage it? No. I can pretty much say that I can mostly not manage it.
I’ve decided that Will Power is not my friend. It’s as if (by any attempt at activating him) I do the opposite of what I decide to do or indeed the opposite of what I decide not to do. Weird, but true.
It doesn’t matter what area of life we’re thinking about. It’s true (for me) regarding food, exercise, sleep or even new routines regarding keeping on top of the housework. The list could go on and on. The outcomes are the same. If I ever rely on Will Power alone, I fail.
I’m thinking of sacking him. Can one dismiss someone from a role for failing to achieve pre-arranged working aims? Sometimes that is possible, so I’ve heard. I might look at his contract.
Weirdly, there is only one scenario (which I’ve navigated twice now, so it could be argued the first time didn’t work, even if it did last for 7 months) where I’ve actively not assigned him the task. It would (however) have seemed (to anyone outside of myself) that he was managing the situation. What was it? My consumption of and relationship with alcohol.
There have been seasons in my existence where I’d say I was drinking too much of the stuff. Would everyone agree with the specific amounts or types of alcohol being ‘too much’, as I’ve said it was? No, because as we know with alcohol, often strong views are held one way or the other. I’m not here to influence you about it and I’m not here to say what’s right or wrong. I wouldn’t dare as I don’t think there is a right or wrong. I just found a point where I wanted to stop drinking it.
I have however noticed that my 411 days (so far) of not drinking it had nothing to do with Will Power. I’d read, in a few places, that he’d be of no use to me in my personal quest to quit. Instead, I was advised I’d need to tell myself other things about the impact of the liquids on me, to be able to break my habitual drinking. I don’t mean the physical impact of the liquid on me (although that might work for some), I mean the mental impact on me.
Why was I using it? I’d have told you then (initially) that I was ‘self-medicating’. It was a way of slightly slowing my racing brain and of causing periodic minimal numbing of my super sensitivities. However, I was deluding myself and when that realisation landed, it helped me more than ‘it’ (the alcohol) or ‘he’ (Will Power) ever could.
I was avoiding what’s real. Fundamentally, when it boiled down to it, with all the edges filed down and the loose detritus brushed away, I was attempting to avoid what’s real. Why? In a sense, ‘why?’ here is a daft question. I guess, probably obviously, I was attempting to avoid what was real because it was too much or too tricky (depending on which bits one is referring to) for Dawn to manage or handle. So, I played mind games with my own mind and tried to continue my ongoing training of self. What is that training? To continue to learn to value ‘now’.
I know (in theory), that ‘now’ is really all we have. I was trying to ‘lessen its noise’ a little with the liquids of whatever kinds. I was exploring (what some call) the art of learning to be present. That’s a bit fancy for me, but I get that it’s helpful for others as phraseology. It’s hardly an art with me. It’s more of a bumpy ride along an ever-meandering roadway that seriously needs some major repairs and would benefit from being fully resurfaced. However, learning to value ‘now’ has some elements of relief hidden in it (for me) even if the external scenarios or situations remain unaltered.
I also saw in a different way that the alcohol was playing other head-tricks on me. What were they? There was a definite tendency that it was forcing my focus to the past or pushing it to an unknown future or into a non-existent place that wasn’t past, present or future. As soon as I realised (again, having lived this process previously in a different context) that this was futile because all there is is ‘now’, I stopped drinking the alcoholic substances and diverted to Coke Zero. There’s bound to be some reason or other why that’s not good for me either, but for now, it’s what I choose to drink instead of the gin (or Guinness or wine or whatever).
I’m hoping I’ve stopped consuming the alcoholic stuff for good this time. That hope aside, whatever happens, I’m guessing you’re aware I won’t be employing Will Power for his non-help. He can go and cause mayhem and trickery elsewhere because he’s no good for me.
Maybe you were thinking of employing him for some purpose? If you were, I’m sorry, but I can’t give him a reference. It’s as if some people suggest we utilise his services to be able to succeed at whatever is our aim. Maybe they can do that. I can only go on my personal experiences of him, and I’m better off without him on the team.