Live, Observe, Learn, Repeat

We’ve (likely) been (to use a term borrowed from elsewhere) ‘confunded’. I suppose I had (if I’m honest, which I try to be) kind of sensed this before now. And, if I pause to think on it, this is not at all a fully new thought in my mind. However, when a pre-part-thought-through thought re-emerges with additional clarity, what is one to do with it? If the ‘one’ in question is me, I guess the answer is predictable. I’ll write (and by so doing, I’ll process a little more, aware that whatever I process will only ever be in part and could not ever be a fully formed truth or revelation as I am, after all, only human). I’ll share what I’m thinking on this website and open myself up to the vulnerability of such an action and then it will sit here whilst the content (usually) continues to meander around the internal workings of my mind.

So, here we are.

Confunded: This is stolen from Rowling’s Potter series. According to Harry Potter Wiki, “the ‘Confundus Charm’ was a charm which confused and misdirected the target. It worked on living and inanimate things, as long as the target had a mind to be confused. There were varying degrees of confusion that could be caused by the spell, ranging from becoming unaware of the current situation, forgetting important information, or becoming particularly impressionable.”

When I refer to confunded (and yes, I have just needed to teach ‘Word’, my chosen writing software that I want it to not identify a spelling mistake each time I type confunded), I am referring to that which is described within the definition I’ve cited.

I have a question for you. Have you ever met anyone who has overtly doubted themselves or their ability within any kind of role, task, relationship or challenge? No? Okay, then this writing possibly won’t connect with you. However, if you have ever met such a person, this is where we shall begin our mini exploration of the effects of the Confundus charm (or an equivalent) upon us.

Here comes a big fact: Self-doubt is everywhere present.

It is everywhere present in some form or other. Right? It resides in those who share the truth of its existence openly and it also lies deeply within those who spend most of their lives trying to hide that it’s there. (All views my own. I have no data beyond what I have observed in my small sphere of people I have encountered thus far in my life on Earth.)

I will write in generic terms (a little unusual for me, but that is just one way for me to navigate this content), and you can think about those you know and yourself (if you choose to) to decide if you agree that there is any truth in any of this. Ready?

Parents (I would suggest all but can run with ‘most’ if I must) doubt they are good parents. They know (even if this truth is buried deep down) that they are learning as they go. They have been given (effectively) a broken handbook by those who parented them, as they were also learning as they went along. Parents have their own experiences of mistakes made in how they were parented (and so often try to not emulate those) or they have ideals they believe they must live up to because they’ve read it or been taught it or have seen others seem to do well with their parenting methods and so choose to copy those (even though their child is not the same as the child for whom it seemed to work).

Parents seem to operate in a vast variety of ways from one extreme to the other. There is a general position where the parent feels they must provide all the opportunities they can for their child/children to somehow ensure they are doing all they can to facilitate the best future for their children as they grow up. They pay money to various experts of various skills and endeavours and send the children hither and thither to develop their learning and give them ‘opportunities’ (opportunities for what, we could discuss, but maybe not here…this seems a big enough topic without me adding in too many tangents).

These same parents often tend to push their children to achieve academically, and they tell their children how important this ‘academic success’ is to their lives and futures (I would ask “Is it?” which might be a trigger for some). Their drive to facilitate success (I would ask “What is ‘success’ in this context?”) causes these parents to do all they can to both provide for and be seen to be doing all they possibly can to help their children be the best they can be.

It is not that I’m against any of this necessarily, other than when the child at the centre is so busy and stressed because they must (effectively) calendarise time to breathe in the brief moments when they are not being pushed ‘hither and thither’, and when they have no opportunity to learn how to manage boredom, or even to begin to wonder what they think about anything at all because they are so busy. They’re on a treadmill and they know they must not fall off. But thinking of the parent, still, so often, those parents who have provided every opportunity they can think of in as many ways as they have been able to approach that provision are still wondering if they are doing the right thing for their child. (I would ask “Is there a definitive ‘right thing’ to be done?” and I am not sure there is, as long as the child knows and feels they are loved and accepted as they are for who they are over what they can do. But what do I know?)

The other extreme of parenting might look more like where the parent is so at a loss to know how to parent (as a verb) in any positive way that the metaphorical wheels have simply fallen off, and the cart on which they (the wheels) used to be fixed seems fully broken. Children in these cases might be neglected in a whole array of ways and amidst it all, the parent is feeling like they are failing as a parent, and they don’t know what to do. They often might compare their own parenting journey to what they think they are seeing of another’s and feel worse about how they ended up in their version of ‘here’. They might believe it is rooted in financial lack or other external factor but at the bottom of it all, they battle with life and self as they watch and live knowing they wish it could be different, but not knowing how to make it different. Their children might shout and scream at them for any reason at all and there seems to be no way to turn things around.

Additionally, there is all the metaphorical ground between these extremes which is (if we’re honest with ourselves) where most of us reside in our own parenting processes. It’s all a mixture of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ (if we must categorise in such a way), isn’t it? It’s all a mix of ‘success’ or ‘failure’ in terms of how we reacted or responded or acted in any given parenting scenario or in terms of the outcomes witnessed in how our children reacted or responded or coped, right? Surely. It MUST be. And yet, we still so often allow our minds to be confunded by the message that we are not good enough, or we are imposters, or we should never have been parents because we were not responsible enough (continue list as necessary). And the external climate often doesn’t help us as we have noticed that are not doing as good a job as Esmerelda down the road…whose children never seem to lash out at her and are never rude to her (like we have any idea how Esmerelda’s children are with her behind closed doors anyway). Oh my.

Can I please make a tentative suggestion in the form of a few questions? I’m going to do so, with or without permission, but if you choose to withhold permission, this might be a good time to stop reading. To those peeps, thanks for stopping by.

For the rest who remain ‘here’: What if we face the absolute truth that every single parent who has ever lived on the Earth, (and I do mean literally every single one) will have made positive choices and actions in parenting and will also have made those that are less so? What if we stopped comparing social media presentations of the bits of life we’d like to publicise to the world, and instead realised no life is ever fully ‘sorted’ or ‘perfect’ and no one has fully mastered the art of parenting, whatever courses they may have been on and whatever techniques around behaviour management they have employed?

What if we woke up to the fact that there is not a single perfect parent anywhere on the face of the whole planet? Of course, there will be some who feel more attuned with the role. But it is impossible for any of us to achieve 100% in any parenting test and if we did, I would be looking closely at the questions asked within the test, as I believe the test itself would be faulty.

I have chosen to spend much time on the subject of parenting, which was fully intentional. However, the principles suggested within the parenting 'spout' potentially have transferrable qualities into all manner of other life areas.

What if within our individual roles, we are sometimes (or even frequently) confunded into believing that we are no good, or not good enough, or not as good as ‘whoever’, or that we are simply failing? What if that belief or thought process then led into further actions on our part? For example, what if we started to feel threatened by anyone who seemed (emphasis on seemed, btw) to be better at what we do than we are? What if we started to feel the need to either promote self or crush others so that we felt less like we were failing (in comparison to them)? Oh my.

What if we believe the confunded charm’s taunts about our lack (as that is the specific one I have created and then chosen) as we exist in our roles as administrators, receptionists, vicars, doctors, teachers, fire fighters, managers, musicians, data input clerks, influencers, content writers, authors, gamers, models, artists, product designers…is there a need for me to go on with the list? I think probably not.

What if the nagging doubt that ‘we are not good enough’ was constantly there in our minds, taunting us day and night? What if, as it taunted us, it gained additional power over us because the more we focus on a thing the more it seems to grow and almost becomes somehow truer? Oh my.

It is my view that the Confundus charm (or equivalent) when used to make us confused and to give us constant negative messaging about ourselves, is powerful and effective. What is it in us humans that simply listens to it and then is happy to begin the internal self-bashing that anyone with any self-doubt can become quite expert at?

We’ve touched on life roles and the potential impact of the charm, but what if, in our relationships, we believed this particular Confundus charm’s whisper that we are not enough? What if we became so insecure to allow the charm to make us believe we have no worth and no place and we are not loved by whoever in whatever relationship it is? Oh my.

We’re being confunded and that fact seems to be setting us against one another, doesn’t it? As soon as we criticise or attack another, is not our aim to also (at least partially) elevate self to counterbalance our own self-doubt? As soon as we find ourselves only speaking of our perceived successes and achievements, are we not doing so for exactly the same aim, hoping the counterbalance to the self-doubt will be achieved?

I used the Confundus charm as if it were real, but it is for me an analogy of what us humans tend to do to ourselves. It’s like we’ve all been somehow brain-washed into believing life is about comparison with others or particular outcomes, achievements or accomplishments and that leads us to grow the inner feeling that we are simply not good enough. Oh my.

This pervading and often growing self-doubt can cause us to more acutely fear failure in any context, can’t it? After all, if we don’t try anything new, or stretch ourselves in any way, or face any challenges, we cannot fail at them, right? If we did try and fail, that perceived failure might simply feed the beast that is self-doubt and so the trajectory is set, so we begin to believe we shouldn’t ever ‘do’ or ‘try’ or move beyond safe boundaries of effort. Oh my. Isn’t that a disaster? I feel it is.

Maybe it’s time to stand up to this fog that is permeating many a mind.

There is the general counter-spell of ‘Finite Incantatem’ which might have to do until I can find another one. Or we could try another way, maybe.

Here are some (potential) home truths: Whatever the scenario, situation or life context you are living, you are not lesser than anyone. You’re actually not. Whatever barriers you face (diagnosable or otherwise), you are not lesser than anyone else. Whatever the world (or any Confundus charms) may imply, one human life is no greater or lesser than any other human life. None is more valuable than another. And not a single human life-form has this life thing sorted…whatever they might tell you.

And if you find yourself feeing confunded, you can choose to use the counter-curse or find your own way to stand up under the power of it and remind yourself that you are the only you and you are doing the best you can with what you have in the ‘now’ of ‘now’. And if that is making it to the end of another day – well done. If that is saving a life through your learning and skill – well done. Neither is a greater or lesser achievement than the other in real terms, is it? Not really.  We’re doing our best. All of us. In our own ways, aren’t we?

Yeah, of course there are those who have convinced themselves they’ve got it sorted. Fine. They can live in ‘that place’ and we have no need to be concerned for them just now. But for the rest of us, there is ‘now’ and we will do our best with it. Right?