Live, Observe, Learn, Repeat

Is it true that what we focus on somehow grows in our world view? I reckon that it might be. I know that in a classroom, if the teacher focusses primarily on poor behaviour choices, those seem to spread like an infectious disease around the room without the need for a particular trigger. I’ve caught myself doing that on days when I’ve been frustrated or under pressure or have felt I’ve not delivered my best lesson (or whatever). I’ve noticed and commented on a poor behaviour choice of one child and then have only remembered that approach never works after the ‘poor behavioural choice’ has been caught by another three children in the class who are also seeking attention (and any kind of attention will do). Then, yes, I have (usually) reset.

Look for the good, Dawn. Praise the good. Manage the less than positive choices of some (yes) but create for them opportunities for success. Notice the good. That spreads too, remember? Dawn, breathe. Your internal ‘stuff of now’ doesn’t have to be connected to how you manage behaviour. You know how to do it. Calm. Consistent. Fair. Measured. Use controlled choice. Focus on the successes and elevate the positive choices of the children.

In life, it’s the same principle at work but in a different context. When my head is only noticing those things that aren’t working, or things that I’m not good enough at (which, like many of us of this wiring, that will be everything, because of the perfectionist streak within), my head has a natural ability to then find a whole heap of other things (past, present and even projecting into future) that are also my fault, or I am responsible for because I’ve failed or I’ve allowed things to happen to me. I have an incredible ability to perpetuate a negative spiral at great speed, travelling to great depths. Easy. 😂 And I am 100% sure I’m not the only person ‘out there’ who has such high-level skills in this area.

It's written about (by professionals in the appropriate fields (or other fields) and by non-professionals) in so many books, self-help tutorials and in articles found by web-searches, that what we focus on impacts us (in good ways or less than good ways) and becomes more of a focus for us as we give it (whatever ‘it’ is) time and attention. I know it’s true. Not only is it my experience of such things, but it is also simply logical. There is even weight (for me) by the fact that usually the professionals in the appropriate fields, those farming other fields and the non-professionals mostly agree. There’s (for me) a measure of evidence of some level of potential truth in it all.

So, it matters what we look at. It matters what we look at (and focus on) internally and it matters what we look at and focus on in our external existence too. Okay. Fine. Yes. That makes sense.

As I can see that as a truth, why do I (and those who are similar to me) still focus on the negative or the lack as a default? Habit? Familiarity? Comfort? Even maybe, a twisted self-preservation (so I’m in charge of my own demise which means it’s not happening to me but is (kind of) managed by me, and I have some control)? Probably, there’s some ‘yes’ (at least in part) to all of that. Humans are weird…yes, all of us (all views my own).

In other ways, I’m super sensitive (to the other extreme). I am so careful about what I will and won’t watch on TV or what I will and will not listen to. You’ll not find Dawn anywhere near TV watching anything with too much (what constitutes ‘too much’ is variable, to a certain extent, depending on context) violence, sex, arguing, fighting of any kind, shouting, swearing or even tension as part of a storyline or plot. Neither will you see me anywhere near (if I have a choice, which mostly, I do) any emotive scenarios or storylines that are about anything relational or centred on any kind of loss. She also has a HUGE aversion to sweeping orchestral strings intended to manipulate the watcher to connect with the characters or plotline.

I can see this is a bit of an odd position. Internally, there’s a gravitational pull (seemingly) towards what is negative, less, not good enough, failure or pointless (you can continue the list if you need to…it’s not an exhaustive one). Externally, I am more than repelled by any of what I’ve already listed.

Weird. You’d think there’d be some common ground, right?

Logically, I would assume that one who exposed themselves to all kinds of negativity through what is watched on TV, or the internet would somehow mirror that internally…and similarly, one who avoided these (to me) negative ‘inputs’ would find it more natural to be fully positive and light inside. But like with anything related to humans, it doesn’t seem to be quite that simple.

Maybe, just maybe, an avoidance of all that I actively avoid is not enough. Maybe there is a greater need for me to pursue that which is good and right and excellent and lovely and praiseworthy. Maybe that would give me a healthier internal default setting. Maybe that is a better positioning for life. It does seem to work for those who promote it as a way of being.

I have been trying it out (as all theories and ideas need testing, right?), and weirdly (or not), it does seem to have some power…even for me who is one who tends to not fit some trends. It feels a bit twee writing about it (tbh) because it’s one of those things that seems to be often spoken of but never really ‘lived’, so I won’t say any more on the matter…but as a principle of how best to proceed, I’m going to keep trying it.

I’m under no illusion (so maybe it’s best if you don’t fall for this illusion either, unless you choose to for reasons of your own), that the usual default of inner Dawn (or inner you, if you’re like me) being magnetised to what isn’t ideal about self or life isn’t going to vanish. Of course, it won’t. And I’m of the view (today) that that’s okay. It is okay. It simply ‘is’.

I am more and more of the view that everything belongs. I stole that from Richard Rohr, but it seems to be more and more true in my experience of all that is and all that isn’t.

And then, I guess if everything belongs, there’s less one can unnecessarily beat oneself up with. And, I guess too, that it lessens the power of the social media presentation of life from those who post the highlights and best bits as if that’s all that’s there and as if they are fully ‘together’ and ‘successful’ humans. I reckon we’re no less successful as humans if we accept and allow everything to belong; the good, the bad and the ugly included.

It’s simply real that every human has their strengths, weaknesses, successes, failures, ways of seeing and areas of blindness. Of course, we do. And maybe if we settled a little into that ‘place’ of reality, things would be internally a little less fraught sometimes. Maybe.

I’ll still be super careful about what I look at on the TV or wherever else. That’s my choice. My inner empath simply does not need the additional processing of experiencing (on behalf of the characters/people in question) the lives of others as if they were my own.  There is a place (a hugely important place) for our empath abilities…but we get to choose how much of that is used in unreal or other world situations and scenarios. Right? And you get to choose what you expose yourself to. I think whatever we are ‘looking at’ does impact us. Okay, maybe I’ll never fully understand the intricate details of how it does, but maybe I don’t need to.

It looks like the viewing list remains as Strictly Come Dancing, University Challenge (even though I’m rubbish at quizzes), Only Connect (even though I’m lucky if to get one question right in each episode), Mastermind (as previously), Celebrity MasterChef, The Chelsea Flower Show and Gardener’s World with England rugby or football matches thrown in for good measure and a spot of Wimbledon when it’s that time. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Other than that, usual repetitive pursuits and obsessions will take up a large proportion of my time. That’s okay.

And I must remember to actively pursue the marvellous things that exist and are. Yes, that. Dawn, don’t forget (I will forget – and that’s okay too, because then I’ll re-remember…just (possibly) like you do as you navigate the journey of managing self). We’ve got this (at least we have for some of the time in some of the ways…and the times we haven’t will come and go).