Seeking Guidance?

They seem to crowd in. No, not seem to, they do exactly that. They do crowd in. They seem to gang up. No, not seem to, they do exactly that. They do gang up on me. They sometimes contradict each other, but that doesn’t seem to lessen their power. That’s annoying. How can that be? Surely, if they’re contradicting each other, I can beat them. Well, trying is an option. Maybe you’ll be better at it than me. However, from my own experiences, there is not a chance of that ever working for very long, even if it seems to help momentarily.

How do they get so powerful? How can they derail so easily? What is wrong with us to mean that these thoughts can plague us and ‘take us down’? They move around, almost wandering through different parts of life (relationships, looks, personality traits, needs etc), attacking each one (sometimes in turn, sometimes at random). What are we supposed to do with them?

If you are human, I am pretty sure you will have experienced intrusive thoughts at some point in your life. They’re the ones that tell you you’re no good, or that everything you will ever do will fail and you’ll amount to nothing (whatever that’s supposed to mean as a threat – but it seems to work well as a threat). There are so many variants of the taunts. If one steps back, it’s really quite impressive (in one way).

Another good jibe is when they (the intrusive thoughts) tell you that you’re defective in some way (and this works especially well with many of us who have labels of whatever because of a (or several) diagnosis we have due to our needs meeting particular thresholds in different categorisations). Why does it work so well if we have a diagnosis too? Easy. Because it (kind of) adds weight. “Because you are autistic, you will never be able to cope with the social situations you face at work or in fact anywhere you go.” (Etc, etc, etc.) These thoughts use our label against us to cause us more difficulty than we already have from the needs within it. Clever, but it’s time to take action to lessen the power of these thoughts, at least, that is my feeling on the matter.

How? How can we lessen their power? How can we stop them having such a devastating effect on us mentally, emotionally and physically? Is there a way to stop them?

I am no doctor, and I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist. This is not medical advice, and I don’t even know if what I will tell you aligns with what the medical advice would be. Some of you may know, however, but either way, I offer it for consideration. Anything I share with you in any of my writing is just what I have tried on myself within my life experiment. There is a chance that it might work for you too, but you know you best and so you can decide to try it or not.

Firstly (and I think, most importantly), I must (every single time I notice them) recognise the intrusive thought/s as just that. They are intruding (and that’s rude). They are uninvited. I do recognise they are too powerful for me to battle to shut the metaphorical door on them, but this isn’t about the next step yet. Initially, the first step is just to recognise they are intrusive thoughts.

They are not representing reality any more than anyone else who might ever taunt me or goad me or try to bully me. They are intrusive thoughts that often use some of what may be real, to give the illusion that they have some kind of weight or gravitas (they don’t). Then they abuse that power by twisting facts and details with the aim of dragging you down, as they try to turn you on yourself and try to make you believe that you are a load of negative things (that's things I’m not even going to list because I’m not giving them space here and they are not true or right, and they do us no good whatsoever). Then they also have another angle of attack by taunting with you about something you’re planning to do not going as well as you hope it will and how others will criticise you, judge or condemn you. Blah, blah, blah. They (the intrusive thoughts) just the do what bullies do to their victims. It is ridiculous and pathetic, even though it feels anything but that whilst mid-attack.

Yes, I’ve personified them, (even though they do not have a substance) but it helps me to visualise them and then be able to manage them.

Secondly, I make no attempt to defend myself against these thoughts. I do not fight them. I make no move to dismiss them. I do not try to force them to leave my head. I have done that (persistently and with much resilience for years and years and years) until I had a bit of a revelation that A) It wasn’t working and B) I didn’t need to do that. Why not? Because of the ‘Firstly’ point. They are simply intrusive thoughts. They are rude and uninvited. Plus, I realised that while I’m shouting at them, reasoning with them, sending counter arguments or trying to squeeze them out of myself somehow, I am simply giving them the time and attention they are seeking to fuel them to do all the damage to me that they want to do.

Maybe weirdly, I let them hang about if they choose to, but I give them no attention (when I can muster that mindset from my most reasonable mind…which I readily admit is not always). You know how a child will often move to ‘less than ideal behavioural choice’ to get attention? And you know how (if they or others are not in any danger) by far the most effective way of stopping the ‘less than ideal behavioural choice’ is to ignore it (or more accurately, to make it seem like you’re ignoring it)? This is no different. In a child, the ‘less than ideal behavioural choice’ is an immature (metaphorical) chess move that has the main objective of getting attention. Seen for what it is, that’s all it is and you don’t have to give it (the behaviour) the attention being sought by the child.

Most behavioural experts encourage us to leave the ‘less than ideal behavioural choice’ of children (or anyone, really), giving it no time or attention, but instead, it is suggested that time and attention are given to more positive behavioural choices. So, even though they are persistent, annoying and oh so damaging (if given time and opportunity to enter into debate with you internally), it is my belief (and experience) that (seeming like I am) not giving any attention to these intrusive thoughts, has a way of helping me be less bombarded and attacked by them. Weird, maybe, but true for me.

Thirdly, I use one of (or as many of) the strategies I use on myself to distract myself or manage myself at any given time. For any of us, they might be any special interests, stims, activities that help us to reset or focus on something other than the intrusive thoughts. I can’t tell you what will work for you as you know you best. For me, it usually involves playing a musical instrument for a while (at speed), some writing (usually ferociously) and some kind of physical activity (ideally outdoors and involving an elevated heart rate). They are often a good combination…but you know how it is with self-management stuff; it may need to change frequently. As I have already written, you know what helps you to be distracted from yourself and your thinking, so do those things, if you can muster the impetus to do so. And if you can’t do it yet, okay. Do it when you can. Next week. Fine. Next month. Fine. 10 years from now. Fine. You get to make all your own choices. I went for the longer route of learning (possibly predictably).

Generally, I learn the hard way. If there are two paths to choose, without meaning to, I mostly take the ‘learn the hard way’ one. It’s a tendency, I guess. It used to frustrate me, but I’ve decided that I’m over it and, in many ways, I’m (mostly) grateful for it. I’m one who believes we learn very little from our perceived successes. I am 100% sure that we all learn far more from our failures of whatever kinds. So, achieving learning the hard way is kind of a good choice, right? Yes, Dawn. Tell yourself whatever you like, but you might as well run with that for now.

Will the intrusive thoughts simply vanish and never return? I doubt it. But I’m finding that by not entering into battle with them, they are less loud, and they have far less negative impact on me. Yeah, yeah, if I’m in a hormonal moon cycle (to call it that) or there has been some life drama or other, it’s true that I’m less 'on it' with noticing the need to identify that the 'plaguing' in my head is just the rude and intrusive thoughts. But eventually, I remember. Then the three-step model can kick in.

There is one other thing, which I would be rude to not mention. I’m sure many of you are not as daft as me, however, I have a confession. There have been (and are) times when I want to believe those thoughts as truth and I effectively choose to be in ‘that’ place. Why? The list for that is endless (and if you’re like me in this, you’ll already know what drives you to ‘that’ place). And do you know what? That’s your choice. Allow that for a time if you choose to. A week. Fine. A month. Fine. 10 years of lingering there. Fine. You get to make all your own choices. The result will likely always be similar, and usually the depth of hole one needs to climb out of after the lingering is relative to the amount of time spent there (although not always), but then maybe that process is good exercise? I’m not belittling that choice. Us humans are complex beings and trying to simplify ourselves is not really going to work. Although analysing, dissecting, interrogating and dwelling on every intrusive thought that comes into our heads will likely be mostly harmful, it is possible that we might notice other things too and learn more about self and life en route. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's weird for me to only have three steps in any model I use on myself, but that is what I’m suggesting regarding the management of intrusive thoughts. So, they (the intrusive thoughts) are there. Okay. No problem. Fine.

1. State them to be what they are: Intrusive thoughts.
2. Allow them to hang around as trying to boot them out of your head is futile and simply gives them the attention they seek.
3. Distract yourself from yourself by the methods you already know work for you and try out new ones so that your (metaphorical) toolkit is ever-expanding.

All thoughts (as ever) are my own. And this life experiment is my own. But I can tell you, in all honesty, I spend less time egging them on to do their worst to me now and more time giving them no attention. I am most certainly better for it.

We will all find our own ways to manage and live what is ours to manage and live and as I said previously, I’m no expert. I am just an autist with a head that’s ever full (and racing) finding her footing in a world that seems like it runs on a different operating system to me (fully aware I am not the only one doing so). 🤷🏻‍♀️