Seeking Guidance?

Firstly, to put it simply, routines can help to manage bedtimes. So much parenting advice is readily available about establishing and sticking to bedtime routines. Without a doubt, routines can help a family with bedtime. What happens when the routine starts to not work? Change the routine and maybe involve the child in the creation of a new routine. Stick with it for a pre-arranged timeframe and then adapt as necessary. Fine.

What about the argument that so often happens between child and parent around when bedtime will be? Some parents are very relaxed about this and let the whole thing happen as and when it does. It is all simply the choice of each parent and I would never tell anyone how it 'must' be managed. That would be ridiculous. We will do it the way we choose to. However, if you are one who believes it is best for the child and for you if they have a regular bedtime as part of their daily routine (which will obviously shift when there's a specific need for that. This is about the day to day patterns, not the exceptions), how can you deal with maintaining a routine without getting into family arguments when the child is wanting to go to bed later? The ideas below are tried and tested and for many they do work. They are not the only effective positive way to manage bedtimes, as there are many effective ways to manage bedtime. 

If a child has been told that bedtime is 7pm and they need to be in bed by 7pm, they will likely (at some point) test that. Not all will, but some will. How can we begin the process of allowing some freedom but not too much? How can we keep boundaries in place but not be as prescriptive as we could be when the child was younger?

The power within each interaction about the specified bedtime is all in the delivery of the communication. A calm “Bedtime is at 7pm. Would you like to go up at 6.45pm for a longer story or 6.55pm for a short story?” gives some controlled choice to the child. 

The phraseology isn’t confrontational. 

The way the choice has been given is worded in such a way that it is expected that one or the other of those outcomes will happen. Some children will run with this straight away and not even question it. No head-to-head. No war. No shouting and screaming. No pushing boundaries. Everyone wins.

What about the child who instead says, “I would like to go at 7pm and have no story. Would that be okay?” That becomes the decision of the adult, but it could be said “Yes, if that is what you would rather.” Off they go.

What about the child who went for the 7pm no story option but then pushed their luck when it came to 7pm? I’d suggest something like “You asked me if you could go to bed at 7pm without a story and I said that would be fine, but now you need to do that. If you choose not to, I won’t be able to give you that same choice next time.” 

What about the knowing child who is now out for a fight and wants to go head-to-head and every time you avoid a head-to-head, they are just getting more frustrated? A calm delivery of something like, “I can see you’re getting frustrated/angry/upset (whatever emotion you can see). It is bedtime now as it is 7pm, so are you going to go to bed now or would you rather lose 15 minutes of screen time tomorrow?”

Yes, there might be stomping from the child and shouting and even some kind of outburst, but if you as the adult can maintain control, be calm, be fair, be kind but be clear, the child will soon learn these battles are not worth entering into. 

The boring consistency of approach that results in the child realising they have some control but there is an overriding message that the adult is in control. The child will learn that there was an opportunity for them to have some controlled choice earlier on in the process, but by reverting to being rude or violent, those positive choices are removed, and the choices shift to being about either doing the right thing or having to navigate the consequences. 

This approach is ONLY impactful however, when the child knows for certain that the adult will stick to it and will follow through with the consequence should the curfew or equivalent be missed. It is also only effective if the adult can remain calm and measured; whatever emotions they may be internally experiencing.

If the adult yells and screams the interaction about all of this at the child, that child already knows they have won. The child has successfully pressed the metaphorical buttons of the adult and have demonstrated themselves to be in charge. 

The child has control when they are able to make the adult react in an uncontrolled way. 

And if they KNOW (because this is their previous experience), that by tomorrow night the adult won’t follow through with the consequence because it’s too much hassle to do so, they have learnt a lesson. The child has learnt that them having a tantrum works and so they will elevate the size of the tantrum, if necessary, to bring about the result that they don’t have to do as the adult says and they will have no consequences to anticipate. 

In this case, and thousands like it, the adult lost the battle when it became confrontational. Also, the child will be aware that they are likely to not have to endure the consequence because by tomorrow night, the adult will not have the stomach to follow through with the consequence, knowing the child will kick off again. 

The child wins. 

The child has learnt another way to control a situation and get what they want. 

The adult has less control in the overall situation. 

However, there is an alternative. If the adult calmly delivers the script-like, predictable interaction (as above), the child realises their powers to make the adult cross have become ineffective. When they discover this, yes, some might react negatively, and this may happen several times.  

They might throw items across the room with great passion and angst. 

Anger may well ensue. 

Their reactions might be overly dramatic. 

Okay. 

So be it. But ultimately, they will learn a valuable and helpful life lesson.

Let’s analyse briefly why the adult is seeing those reactions in the child. The child has not been able to manipulate the situation and get from it the response they were hoping for. The child is not happy that they have been denied whatever it was they sought. The child’s internal emotions have kicked in and they are either playing the game of responding or have themselves lost control of their emotions. This has resulted in the outburst being witnessed by the adult. It is simply a toddler tantrum in the body of an older child who has not yet learned a better way to respond or navigate such situations.

As the adults, it is for us to remain calm and clear. The child (when a child) is unlikely to understand the benefit of having some boundaries and routines and they might not appreciate it until they themselves have children. But our role is not to placate the child for a 'quiet life' or give them too much freedom or choice because the consequences of doing so can cause them other kinds of harm. As one example, being allowed to stay up until 2am when they have school at 8:45am is going to impact them in so many ways. 

Will anyone (adult or child) get it right every time? Not a chance of it! Will they get better at getting it right more frequently the more successes they have? Undoubtedly, if they choose to try.  

The fallout from sticking with the calm and measured delivery of expectation and the controlled choice might look hideous the first few times. There may be devastation. Things might get broken. However, in real terms, the children will soon stop these behaviours when they do not get what they are seeking. What are they seeking? Their own way and a reaction from their parents where they can see they made the parent cross.

Children feel secure when appropriate and kind boundaries are in place for their good. 

I would suggest the children who like to fight about bedtimes are also seeking greater control, which is another testing of boundaries. Boundaries bring about (ultimately) security. By testing the boundaries remain in place, they are testing the security of the situation and are finding out if the adults are in charge. Finding the boundaries remain in place will bring them security. They receive the powerful unspoken message that the adult cares enough to keep the boundaries in place for the good of the child. As that child grows up, they will also see that despite their reactions, the adult continued to love them and care for them as they were learning to navigate big emotions and outbursts that they were learning to control.

It is a huge learning curve for all in the family to find ways of recognising and coping with the big emotions children can have. Children will learn if you can remain calm, measured, fair and reasonable about all matters relating to bedtime. Will there need to be some 'give and take'? Ideally, yes. At the right time, it becomes fully appropriate for the child to make their own decisions about their bedtime. This only becomes tricky to manage if too much freedom is given too soon, and if this happens before the child has the skills to navigate the impact of not enough sleep.

(Most of this writing is taken from Musings of An Autistic Ex-Head, Chapter 12, Managing Behaviours.)