Seeking Guidance?

Decisions are everywhere. We must make them. We do make them.

Do they cause us anxiety and stress? Many of them do, yes. But they’re not going anywhere. Autistic or not, decisions will have to be made.

With that in mind, does it not come down to two options? We could hide under a desk (or equivalent) and hope it (whatever it is) will go away (it won’t). Or we could consider a variety of approaches to assist us in our decision making. Is that fair? It is probably more sensible to engage with the route of finding ways to help ourselves to make decisions, but I do confess I have twice tried the option of hiding under a table. Neither time did it work out well and I can confirm, neither time did the decision I was attempting to avoid go away. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It is not all decisions that are tricky, it seems to me. I will confidently make decisions without there being any stress at all if the context is right. I gather the necessary information to give me the facts I need so that I can make a reasonably informed decision. I then make the decision and carry out any follow-on actions that are the result of whatever was decided. In my work life it has always been like that. In those contexts, I can always see clearly why I am deciding to do or not do something, and I can justify that decision should the need arise for me to do so. Easy.

Similarly, concerning decisions at home, like which mobile phone provider I want to go with, no problem. I gather the necessary facts and make the decision. Easy.

However, if the decision is about whether I want to do something or go somewhere, it can get a little trickier to navigate (that sentence comes with a significantly sized understatement alert). An example of what I mean has just happened. It was such a minor thing really, but the follow-on interactions were more complicated than that.

Someone from a circus put a leaflet through the door. That was it. Just a leaflet through the letterbox. In my mind, there is one very simple thing to do with that leaflet. Recycle it. Job done. However, that isn’t what happened.

My husband (by the way, he’s the second one (husband, that is). I’ve lived with him. I’ve lived separate from him. I am living with him again in a very (some might say) unconventional marriage…maybe there should be an article thing on relationships. I’ll get to it). Anyway, he (my husband) walked from the front door holding the leaflet and came into the kitchen where I was standing. His tone of voice was slightly cautious because, I guess, he anticipated my response, but it was also mixed with a semi-forced (it seemed to me) positivity. “The circus is coming. I’ve heard they’re really very good, this lot.”

(There was no immediate reply from me because I already had many thoughts racing around my head, and I had kind of gone into semi-freeze mode. I knew he’d keep talking if I waited which I knew also would bide me some time to work out a hopefully appropriate response.)

I knew he’d seen the freeze and then I felt the follow-on thing I always feel in such situations. The reasonably strong sense of disappointment from him (which is the disappointment that I don’t jump at these opportunities enthusiastically or with excitement). This disappointment comes at me and it kind of hits me before I then absorb it into my inner girl. There is no way he intends for me to feel that, but I do. He never forces the issue and allows me to engage or not. He doesn’t metaphorically beat me up over it, but I most certainly beat myself up over it.

He is now befuddled with me (again) because he loves to do stuff and go places and see things. As well as me already being mostly a mystery to him in how I am, he cannot understand the problem. He also knows that when I do some things I wasn’t initially okay to engage with, I enjoy them. Today however, we both managed to get edgy which was just because I’ve been super-heightened for 2 days for reasons that don’t matter here.

I told him that it isn’t as simple as just deciding and then booking the tickets. He said it was. (Going head-to-head with one autistically wired? An interesting approach and not one I ever advise is wise. It doesn’t, in my experience so far, tend bring out the best in anyone involved.) In reality, neither of us was right or wrong. It’s never that. It isn’t about what is right or wrong. It is always just what ‘is’. We just see whatever it is from the perspective we have as individuals.

Anyway, all that aside, I tried to explain.

“As soon as you mentioned circus, I knew I didn’t want to go somewhere where people might be having to pretend to be happy when actually, they might not like what they do as a job, with all the moving around or the working conditions or whatever.” (I feel similarly about the man who drives the tiny train around an oval track in a seaside location I know. He’s supposed to look happy for the kids, but I just feel he is sad and lonely. I love trains but I don’t like that train). Whenever I encounter that kind of thing, my inner empath kicks off and it’s all too much for me to process and I get overloaded. I explained that to him too.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but that (about the performers) truly was my first thought. He told me they do like what they do (as a way of focussing on the fact that probably many will love what they do for a job), and I said we had no evidence of that (because I am pedantic, possibly). It was the end of our interaction but as ever, I had follow-on thoughts.

I’ve been (only once or twice) to a circus act and I remember it also being a sensory nightmare and an emotional rollercoaster. There is an intent from the content writers to cause surprise and get reactions from the audience. There will (undoubtedly) be loud bangs and unexpected other noises just included so it is exciting (for some) and so it gets a reaction from those looking on. There will also be the exposure to the danger for the performers where I feel I must be impressed that someone might die just to (supposedly) entertain me. I don’t want them to die. I can’t (and don’t) even watch programmes where anyone is shot or where heads get chopped off (even though it’s not real) so why would I want to be in the same location as someone facing actual death just for the entertainment and anticipation it might bring to an audience? The level of manipulation on me and my senses, by forcing me to watch and hear what there will be there, is too much for Dawn. (She flips into third person when it’s all a bit much.)

Usually, my mantra is that I need to attempt to at least partially overcome barriers that are too intrusive on my life or my quality of life. I know that if I don’t have that approach, the barriers begin to rule me and those around me. Is this one of those barriers I must at least partially overcome? I hope not. It’s not for me, but it might be for my husband. It’s not just about the autist and it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us if my husband just let me be fully in charge of us never going anywhere.

The point is, this kind of seemingly inconsequential decision is one I can’t easily make, and I do get into a twizz over them each time they appear. This happens every single time.

I’m bored of it.

I’m annoyed by it.

I’m frustrated with myself, and I don’t want to be like this over stuff that just doesn’t matter. I’ve tried turning it off as a reaction (but that doesn’t work because, to be honest, I’ve not yet found the switch).

And yet, here, within the very same body, is the person who makes huge decisions quickly and sees them through. If I’m leaving a marriage, I decide I’m leaving and I’m gone. Twice I’ve done that. When I decided to move out and live in the shed, I did it (although I’ve only done that once and, in my defence, I only stayed there for 3 months). When I’m going to move to a whole new area with no one I know for a job that I have connected myself to even just during the interview process, I go. I have done that. And I’m fine doing those things. What is additionally weird, is that when I’m by myself, I make decisions more readily. What’s that all about?

There is a growing suspicion rising inside me. Are the tricky decision processes more often the ones that have some kind of attachment to social scenarios or a level of engagement with or exposure to other people? I don’t know, but I am wondering if that’s a thing. Maybe it is.

Whatever though, like with other quirks and traits and ways of being, it’s okay that we can make some decisions easily and others are a nightmare for us. The reason I say it is okay is that it is just how it is. When that is the reality we experience, it’s okay, and we will manage it as best we can. We could maybe view it as one of our quirks rather than it being something we must beat ourselves up over with a metaphorical big stick. Maybe.

Right now, I guess, the quandary for me is about the circus trip. Maybe I do need to get past my own issues for the sake of my husband who (from his perspective) just wants to go to the circus with his son and wife. Leave it with me. I’ll see what I can do.