Seeking Guidance?

It is a truth that all humans, irrespective of identifiable need, exhibit behaviours. It is also a truth that all behaviour is communication of some kind. This has been widely researched by many and is known to be a reality. The books that have influenced my practise the most have been written by Tom Bennett or Paul Dix. You can choose to investigate their work further should that be an area of interest for you. 

There seems to be a tendency to assume that those with additional needs can often be those who also exhibit higher levels of behaviour. This is not always true but can be the reality in many cases. Why is this? In part, this may be as a result of an inability to process an overload of information of whatever kind. Some may be sensory. Some may be as a result of the high levels of attempted processing of non-verbal messaging being received by the individual. Some may be as a result of anxiety or panic. Some may simply be a demonstration of the child/adult copying behaviours they have seen exhibited by others (adults or children).

In schools, things have thankfully moved on during the last few decades concerning the best ways to manage the behaviours of children within the school community. Confrontational approaches incite further escalations of behaviours whereas relational based practise restorative justice approaches are positive ways of developing a healthy approach to behaviour management. I realise this is not an approach used by every teacher in every school, but there has been a significant shift which will undoubtedly continue to demonstrate success and so will be even more widely adopted. 

Parents, please excuse me for what I am about to write (I will however readily admit that I have been guilty of this as a parent too). Sometimes (possibly an understatement), parents can respond to poor behaviour choices of their children on an emotional level. It is as if something inside the parent has been triggered. This might result in shouting or door slamming. A parent may get angry because their child has done or said or acted in a way that they deemed was not appropriate. For a plethora of reasons and triggers, parents are more likely to respond in these more emotionally charged ways, but in school, do we need to? No. Is it necessary? No. Can it cause more harm than good? I would say, most emphatically, yes.

Does shouting or sudden changes in our ways of being bring about any benefit to the individuals, the class or the general environment? My view is that no, shouting doesn’t help in a learning context other than as a dramatic, artistic tool. Neither do unnecessary changes of approach bring any benefit to anyone in a community such as a school. That said, there are times when teachers will alter their tone of voice, as necessary, yes. But I would suggest only shouting if there is some kind of immediate danger and the act of shouting might prevent someone being hurt. 

There are some clear facts as I see them (but again, these are just my view, and it is for you to decide what you think). All children are more prone to respond well to measured and calm interactions, including children who may have been identified as having additional needs. 

Measured and calm does not equate to weak or timid. In fact, I would dare to suggest that measured and calm can be the epitome of strength and being in control.

The reality is that for ANY child, with or without a label, speaking to them in a measured way will bring about better results than a more erratic approach. For many years, I have worked with parents to help them regain control in the home when their little people have been testing their muscle and their ability to control the reactions of their parents. In many cases, these have been with children who have also been identified by professionals as having some kind of special educational need (SEN). 

Let’s be clear about something before we proceed any further. I will present these as being about children, but the same can be said of many adults too at different times and in different ways:

• All children test boundaries.
• All children can have outbursts of anger.
• All children can become destructive.
• All children can be experts in pressing the buttons and knowing the triggers of their parents to get the responses they are looking for.
• All children have phenomenal and intuitive skills to know how to get a reaction (whether they do so in a loud and demonstrative way or in a quiet way or in a totally manipulative and sneaky ways.      
• All children, with or without a label, are just learning about the world by seeing what they have power to control. They are interested by how they can produce a reaction in others, even if they, having got the reaction they goaded for, sort of wish they hadn’t (albeit a subconscious wish that they hadn’t). It is a kind of weird game that is rooted in them learning about people and individuals. They quickly learn what they can get away with and with whom. They will react and behave in different ways with different people as they learn what reactions they want to produce and what reactions they do not want to produce.

Is this not just a natural exploratory part of growing up? Don’t adults do it too, in their own ways? Some are masters at it and do it intentionally, others seem to bimble through the process, but are they not still playing the very same game? And all of it is rooted in control, is it not? The process does indeed often seem to be magnified in those of us who have been labelled as having SEN, but even so, the process is still very similar.

My propensity for long sentences? That was the warning. Here is the next sentence that is indeed too long. Sometimes, all that is needed (including for those who have been identified as having SEN) are some clear boundaries, some controlled choice, some appropriate terminology (and by that, I mean speaking to the child/individual in a way they are able to understand) and all delivered in a calm and measured tone of voice whilst matching that all with a consistent approach (as far as is possible).

If, as the parent or adult in charge at the time, you do not feel able to be calm or to give a measured response, a thought to consider. Is there any harm in moving away from the situation until you can be calm? No, do that. Or, if you're lucky enough to have another adult around who is able to step in and be the calm one, amazing. Swap them in and get yourself away. Staying calm when your little people have all the skills to properly wind you up (and it is so much harder as parent) isn't easy to do. It make sense in theory but doing it in practise is harder. All I suggest, is that you try it and see the impact it will undoubtedly have. And if you have days when it goes wrong, and you become impatient or frustrated...no problem. They'll be another day when you can practise staying fully calm and clear. Weirdly, after a few successes, you'll probably wonder why you didn't adopt this approach before. 

(Most of this writing is taken from Musings of An Autistic Ex-Head, Chapter 12, Managing Behaviours.)