Seeking Guidance?

Controlled choice is a powerful tool for all. It is powerful for those with or without a label – but is especially effective with any who have ASD or traits of it. It is not rocket science, but giving an element of choice to the person in the middle of the situation (whatever that situation may be) can be hugely effective. The reality is that many children will comply given the initial choice, but some will not. Let’s think through a scenario for a trickier situation – one that doesn’t meet with initial compliance. 

Adam is refusing to engage with writing in class. He hates writing, he doesn’t want to engage with writing, he isn’t interested in writing. Adam has previously learnt that if he creates a scene and gets angry or throws something across the room, he gets out of the room and manages to avoid the writing task. In education, we have found ways to manage such situations.

Using controlled choice here is an option that avoids any unnecessary confrontation. “Adam, when you have written the five sentences, then you will be able to go outside with your friends or choose to play Lego in the classroom." 

Usually, Adam will comply and make his choice between Lego or playtime outside, but if not can be given some time and space to complete his achievable task. "Adam, would you prefer to write your sentences by yourself and show me after, or would you like me to help you start that first sentence?" Whichever Adam chooses, do that. If he chose to have help, it can be a great idea to praise him for what he achieved (emphasising that his ideas were great having helped him (via questioning) to say his ideas). Then let him know you are excited to read what he writes next and he can call you back after the next sentence or when he gets to the end. Smile and walk away.

Ideally, there needs to be no shifting from the choices given by the adult. I have been in situations where many minutes have passed, but eventually, the child has complied with the instructions. When they got to a similar situation again in the future, they knew what the outcome would be and so they complied much more quickly. Several repeats later, all the adult needs to do for that same child is to present the controlled choice and watch how the child uses it to more quickly complete the task. 

It is a kind approach. 

It gives some ownership to the child who for whatever reason may be struggling. 

It is a clear approach. 

It is consistent. 

There is no ground for a feeling from the child of being unfairly treated because they have been given an element of control within it. But in real terms, even the initial controlled choice has within it the underlying message that the task will be completed.  

The biggest and most powerful tool within the whole process, however, is that all the delivery must be calm and measured in approach. There is no need for raised voices. There is no need for stress to be shared or passed onto the child. 

The less reaction they receive, the less fuel we provide them with for their protestations and anger. 

There may be times when some children will need some quiet time in a calm space if they are angry or not in control of their behaviours. At times like this, the approach from the adults needs to be the same. When the child has calmed, they need to be reminded that although the behaviours are not acceptable and consequences will be in place, the child is still liked, valued and is important to others around them. They need to know the adults are there for them and will help them to learn to manage their big emotions and their behaviours, and the adults will help them to learn to self-regulate.

This is not usually an easy process. Different parts of the child’s brain are in control at different times. If we find we are dealing with the part of the brain that has gone into survival mode, there is no point in even attempting to communicate person in the middle of it all until that storm has passed. There are ways of managing this level of outburst and de-escalation techniques and non-confrontational approaches can be used to positive effect.

The examples I used here were school-based, but the impact of controlled choice within the home is no less effective. Why not try it? One does have to be careful to use it well (and that is a skill that will develop the more you do it) because it does need to include actual choice and not simply be full-on manipulation and control. The choices given need to be ones where either choice will be accepted and both need to be positive options. It is (I think) damaging to give two option of 'choice' where one is what you want the outcome to be and the other is a negative outcome. That isn't controlled choice. Both choices must be positive ones and the child must be allowed to choose.

Children know when they are being given a choice and when they are being treated fairly. If we can be fair and consistent in our approach, the children will learn. Not only will they learn for their own benefit, but they will also learn for any children they may bring into the world when they themselves are the parent.