Seeking Guidance?

All humans have days when they can achieve more than on other days. Right? Of course. It’s natural that this would be the case, isn’t it? What I’m writing about here isn’t so much concerning one of those high achieving days that all humans have at varying frequency as they achieve varying amounts of accomplishments. This is instead about what is a fine line between hyper-focus and mania as I experience both. Am I suggesting my experience of either or both will be the same as yours or as someone you aim to support? No. Might there be cross-over and similarities to some aspects of it? Yes.

Let’s use a a little Google clarification research, first. Just so that we’re clear about what I mean by the terms I am using.

The National Health Service (NHS) in the UK list some features of mania in the context of those who are bi-polar. The list looks like this:

The manic phase of bipolar disorder may include:

• feeling very happy, elated or overjoyed
• talking very quickly
• feeling full of energy
• feeling self-important
• feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans
• being easily distracted
• being easily irritated or agitated
• being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
• not feeling like sleeping
• doing things that often have disastrous consequences – such as spending large sums of money on expensive and sometimes unaffordable items
• making decisions or saying things that are out of character and that others see as being risky or harmful

When I am in this ‘zone’, all of the above become very real very immediately for me. I can read them while in that metaphorical place (as I have read them today) and see them as having weight and truth but also I can be fully dismissive of them and give them no time as by the time I’ve read the list, I have moved on in my head to about 34 other things or actions or thought processes that are seemingly more interesting than any kind of prolonged engagement with such a list.

Hyper-focus, on the other hand is more concerning the capacity of someone to engage in a task or activity to the exclusion of everything else. This is less of a driver for me because I am more manic in my pursuit of many (let’s call them) ‘lines of enquiry’ in my thinking rather than a single focus…but I can readily and easily do that whilst also focussing clearly and specifically on what is in front of me.

Why write about mania and hyper-focus? A couple of reasons, really. The first is that today I am having one of those days (and my own analysis of the now is that I am living and holding and breathing both hyper-focus and mania which is always interesting in my inner girl). The second is that these terms of hyper-focus and mania can come with all kinds of other implied aspects which may or may not be appropriate. Either way, I will let you into what happens to me when in this zone. (To be clear, because I am in that zone today, I’m nearly exploding internally because I’m intentionally trying to slow down all the processes related to my writing to ensure I am being as clear as I can be…and all whilst attempting to not ‘give off’ eau de manic 😂).

Today so far for me (it’s now 14:31)? In some ways, it’s less about what the achievements have been and more about how I am amidst those tasks and activities. It is more about my manner. My ‘way of being’ is key in this analysis.

I know when it’ll be like this from the moment I open my eyes. There is almost a tangible buzz around me. It is inside me and it is flying off me at all kinds of weird angles and in a variety of ways. To be honest, I’m utterly perplexed that others near me can’t see it, hear it and even feel the effects of it as it courses around me and is emitted at speed from any orifice or even from the pores in my skin. I wonder how I’m not knocking people over with this invisible force that is erratic and powerful, but most humans seem clueless as to its presence. Weird.

Instantly, as I wake, there is (on these days) often a list flying through my head like a sped-up version of the writing seen on screen at the start of a Star Wars film. It’s not a simple ‘to do’ list (so the visualisation I have just suggested isn’t quite the full picture and is more the central strand of the experience of it). It has many various avenues and lines that branch out from the ‘to dos’ and go off as they take account of wider scenarios, implications, connected aspects or people (as a non-exhaustive inclusion list). If I pause to ‘look’ at it (I usually don’t), I can see each line collating and filing multiple types of data. Although the speed of travel is so fast down the various lines, small hands are able to grasp old information previously gathered that might now be useful or informative in some way. Connections internal can formulate links with previous experiences of being as I am today whilst also noticing contrasts from the days when this manic companion isn’t here. It is relentless. It is intense. It is the state I most enjoy being in.

I called it a ‘manic companion’ then. Is it that? No, not really. That’s not really right either. It’s more of a take-over. The central operations centre has Mania driving it and Mania is also navigating the control panel, deciding on all the working speeds, volumes, sensitivities and processes, all of which have been radically sped up and turned up. Now I think about it, it’s like I’m operating at a speeds that result in steam being emitted from my ears, and this is accompanied by tension releasing hissing sounds and the addition of small erratic gas explosions periodically.

I can get through lists of tasks or work at ridiculously high speed. Does the speed of it all affect the accuracy? No, seemingly not. I can also attack things that would have caused me fear or anxiety on other days without a second thought or single doubt being present in my active mind.

For me, this is the ‘place’ I love to be me the most. Yes, I know what follows and I know that I will have to be as ready as I can be for that. But for now, it is my greatest joy to be ‘here’. These days act as a counterbalance to my ability to be overly critical of self or level of achievement (i.e. lack thereof).

There is a downside while I’m ‘here’. For me? No. Not that I can think of right now. Yes, okay, I might have done some radical things in these days/weeks/seasons in my past that others would consider to be reckless or whatever else. But that’s not my perspective. However, downsides for anyone nearby? Yes, maybe. For example, if anyone tries to talk to me about whatever when I am ‘here’, I cannot hear them. It isn’t intentional. What they are saying may well be very important. I try to listen. I do. But I walk away from each encounter aware that they were talking at me, and I don’t have any recollection of anything that was said.

Do I mean to be dismissive? Not at all. Do I intend rudeness? No. Did I manage to pass off that I was listening? Partially, sometimes, yes. I see that as protective of whoever is talking at me. In truth, it isn’t about what was said or how it was said it. It is more that the internal take-over is fully driving and only things linked with the focus or the aims or what is relating to me directly will make it through the Mania sphere. The Mania sphere is powerful and strong and any attempts to break through it are futile and possibly even foolish.

Will I be ‘on it’ for any work (or other non-work) tasks that I must achieve while I am ‘here’? Most definitely, yes. I will be all over it. I will work efficiently, and I will be thorough. I will see detail and I will see more widely and deeper than my usual seeing allows.

Will I manage interactions with others connected to things relating to my work or my passion of the moment? Absolutely. No trouble at all. Easy.

Will I hear the details about the caterpillars who are eating our hedge when caterpillars or hedges are not my focus or aim or of any immediate concern to me? Probably not (in fact, it’s quite impressive that I remembered even that much from the interaction that just occurred…and that will be linked to the fact I was stopped in my tracks when I just popped from my shed (where I write) into the house because I had already delayed that trip for as long as could be delayed. I knew I was mid-way through writing about this subject matter and so I was (maybe) more alert and intentionally observant of what was being said). 

I love Mania. I truly love her. I know she can be tricky and she does make me feel a little queasy when she is here with force, but I feel the most ‘me’ version of me that is doable when she is fused with me, and I am connected to her. Others will likely potentially see this as concerning but I’m not so sure it is. I have full awareness of what I am doing, how I am operating and where I need to be careful (due to prior experience of myself as a kind of personification of my Mania). I am drawn to the danger of her too. Yes, that is true. But it is not really danger now I am more self-aware than before I understood a little of what is going on inside me at times such as these.

A word to the wise and non-wise alike (not that anyone can always be in either state, as wisdom and foolishness are not fixed and are dependent on so many variables at any given time): If you try to break into someone’s Mania or if you try to force yourself into the view of someone who is hyper-focussed because you have something to say, just please be aware you might have greater success with the communication if it happens at a different time. You’ll choose for yourself, obviously. It’s just a suggestion you can experiment with, or not.

Those of us who sometimes find ourselves ‘here’ in Mania or hyper-focus (and (btw) we didn’t plan it. It just happened. Sometimes we might not even have noticed it arrive ourselves)…but anyway, we don’t spend all our time in these states. There are other equally as intense states (and some that are not so intense) for those who exist similarly to me in terms of how and who we are. Each requires different management from us as individuals and I’m sure also has a different impact on those who get the privilege of getting a glimpse inside us. And I mean that. It IS a privilege to get insight into any other human being, of whatever need or complexity they might exist with or within.

I have spent a lot of years feeling inferior as myself (because of how I am, because of barriers I face amidst what we now know is autism along with my propensity for manic periods in my life amongst other things), but what benefit is there in such an approach to life for any of us?

We are as we are. We are wired in the ways we are wired. We work in the ways that we work. We live in the best ways we can, using the life tools we have to help ourselves as best we can. We will sometimes excel in some ways and sometimes fail. Okay.

(I have tried so much to not write in a manic way and consequently now feel the need to run around the garden at great speed whilst allowing all the thinking I’ve tried to slow, move at the speed it naturally wants to operate at today. Oh my. Speed walking with Raffie will happen after the music lesson I’m about to teach, which will be after playing Chaminade’s Concertino for flute and piano, and before the trip to orchestra practise tonight. It won’t ‘fix’ anything, but it might prevent spontaneous combustion.)

At least it isn’t boring. 🤷🏻‍♀️