Seeking Guidance?

Children hitting out at parents is something more prevalent than maybe any of us are fully aware. It happens in families who never share it is in their lives beyond the household who witness it. Why do they not say? There will be a variety of reasons, but these often seem to include a lot of parental confusion as to what triggers these outbursts. There also seems to be much parental guilt wrapped up within all of it, at least in most cases within families I have had connection with. The thing with parent guilt though is, basically, if you’re a parent, it arrives at some point for some reason anyway. We’re often so tough on ourselves and we forget that we are learning on the job.

Admitting that the hitting/kicking etc is happening is (perceived) evidence of ‘failure’ (at least in the mind of the parent). Some parents are concerned the truth of what is happening in their lives will be judged as being because of ‘poor parenting’ (amongst a lot of other things…and those things might be a factor but it is highly likely they are not the only one). Reluctant sharing can sometimes occur if the direct question is asked by a SENCo at a school or another professional who is trusted by the parent. By the direct asking of the question, it opens the parent to the partial thought that maybe they are not alone in their experiences of being the object of physical outbursts or actions from their child.

So why do some children (with whatever diagnosed/pre-diagnosed need or sometimes those without) hit their parents?

Firstly, let’s be clear. Hitting out (in whatever way) is a behaviour. ALL behaviour is communication of some kind or other. All of it. So, the hitting is a means of communicating some message that the child/teen cannot yet (or will not) express in a different way. This is often because they don’t yet have the skills to do so or the self-awareness of what they themselves are experiencing and how their behaviours link to that.

Some children/teens will physically attack because they have witnessed it in their own lives from those they live with. This writing is not really concerning those children/teens. Those children/teens are simply copying what they have seen adults do, and that copying is inevitable in some measure or way (either in the short term or later in life). We all learn from what we experience or witness. I wish no child/teen/human (from now on, I’ll use children/child) were ever exposed to anyone being violent towards another person or to any physical lashing out, but the reality is that many do witness that. The management of the behaviour of those in this grouping needs (in my view) to be supported differently and must also involve the family who will likely be needing help themselves. These more complex cases are likely to need the support of external-to-the-home professionals who can proactively stand alongside and help.

This writing is more about the physical violence seen from children who are not copying it from elsewhere and is more directed to those parents who may be confused as to what is going on and why. There will never be a definitive explanation (because, as ever, we are dealing with unique humans), but there are some high incidence scenarios which might give a little insight into why we are getting these behaviours from our children. Let’s look at them individually.

Attention Seeking

Maybe one of the simplest to understand is the need for attention. Children learn very quickly. Any parent knows there is an incredible ability (even amongst those who are very young) to know how to get a reaction from their parents. It begins with the processes that naturally occur around the meeting of their basic needs when they are babies. Parents know (or quickly learn) that their baby cries to show something is not right or they are hungry or cold or whatever else. They have ways of communicating these needs and we (as the adults) respond to those. How the needs are demonstrated shifts and changes as each child develops their own personality. It is also affected by their environment as well as how they are made as an individual. 

This learning all happens subconsciously for the babies and young children, but repeatedly, the reactions and responses they get from the act of crying inform what they do as they develop and grow older. Amidst all that learning, the child will recognise they get attention (in the form of practical care or communication of some kind) by crying. They learn that their actions can and often do mean they get attention.

As the child grows older, they may not use crying as the means for getting attention but may have diversified how to get attention. Some will intensify their methods, and these may include lashing out, physical violence and destructive behaviours (or the use of what they hope is shocking language). When they do these things, they might be told off or laughed at (I won’t even get started on the damage the laughing at them can do) or may be given attention in whatever other way the adults witnessing the behaviour have responded.

For the attention seeker, ANY kind of engagement with or attention from the adult is a win. The aim was to get attention and this they have achieved. Tick. Done. Sorted. Being told “No” or being shouted at or any other negative ‘management’ of the behaviour is still attention. If they are seeking attention and have not yet found a way to get more positive attention, they will use (and develop) many creative ways of getting attention, including negative attention. And we as the adults often deal with this in entirely the wrong way. Our instinct is often to stop the ‘poor behaviour’ choice when maybe we need to consider a different approach.

By seeing the aggression or physical behaviours, it becomes our responsibility to recognise that this is communication to us from the individual at the centre of it all. The child is demonstrating (through behaviour) that they are seeking our attention or help. From that point of understanding, it becomes our job (as the adults) to see it for what it is and adapt our methods accordingly.

For one who is ‘simply’ seeking attention, creating moments of focussed attention and intentional play or ‘time’ given will (over time) lessen the outbursts. Some children will eventually understand that while they are lashing out in whatever way, you will not give them attention but the experience the pleasure of ‘better’ time and attention when they are not hitting out. For management of the actual meltdown/outburst, there are some ideas of how to manage this in The Meltdown which can be found via the embedded link or by visiting the ‘Seeking Guidance’ area of the website.

Experiencing Overload

Some children will hit out at their parents (or others) when in some level of overload, whether it be sensory overload, emotional overload, or a total freefall of being out of control of themselves. These children may or may not have a diagnosis, but the root of ‘the overload’ is the relevant thing, rather than the diagnosis. It might be an overload of emotions following not being able to get their own way. There are so many aspects of life that can cause any individual to go into overload, and more so (often) if those people are autistic. 

We know from experience that there is absolutely no point or benefit in trying to communicate with the child when they are fully heightened. They will not properly hear anything you say and are likely to only pick up on anything they can turn into a negative about themselves. So, the less said at that time, the better it is.

All communication between parent and child about any outburst needs to happen at a separate time when everyone is calm and not in fight or freeze modes of any kind. A discussion needs to be had about the fact that anyone can experience all kinds of overloads and can find their behaviours become out of control when that happens. Talking about the importance of needing to find ways to manage this so that no one gets hurt and to the least damage happens is a good idea. Most children, if they thought about another person that they know behaving in the ways they have previously done would be mortified that those people would do those things. But when they are in that place themselves, they cannot necessarily stop themselves…at least, not without our help.

With that in mind, a decision needs to be made about what will be the best way to support the child during the most heightened phase of this. Some will welcome firm hugs as this brings comfort and helps them to reset. Others will need time alone. Others may need to get the physical adrenaline rush out of their body by doing something very physical (even if this is running in an open space as fast as they can or even being physical with pillow in their room). Talking about this and then trying to implement this during any following hitting or physical outbursts can help.

As with any kind of meltdown though (and this physical response when it is out of their control is one type of meltdown), words need to be kept to a minimum in the height of it all outplaying.

An Avoidance Strategy – Causing Mayhem as a Distraction

Those children who are experienced at lashing out and becoming hugely physical or destructive know it is effective on so many levels. It may not all be fully conscious and planned out, but their responses previously have shown them that during their highest-level behaviours, everything else stops happening. For some children (including in schools), the fear of failure or a sense of ability lack in themselves in lessons can be so crippling to them that their response becomes one of lashing out in some way. It is avoidance. It is a cry for help. How can we prevent that? We may not always be able to, but we can try to ensure the child is working on things they are able to independently access with enough of the right kind of praise to be able to stay focussed and calm.

To be fair, their physical outburst does work as a marvellous distraction. If they need a ‘way out’ and choose to use a distraction, kicking out, hitting or throwing things does stop whatever was happening from happening and the whole focus is indeed shifted. No longer must they achieve whatever has been asked of them. The focus shifts and becomes about them calming down.

Children will do the same thing at home. Either when not getting their own way or being asked to do something they feel they can’t (for whatever reason).

How Can the Parents Manage these Physically Violent Times in the Home?

Because the child is always seeking some kind of attention and communicating some kind of message while they are being violent towards parents (or whoever), the way to not feed that, is to give as little attention as possible.

Some parents I have worked with have told me they fear for their own safety when their child is really ‘going for it’. I have been told the child is able to pull their hair while hitting or kicking them and the (physical and emotional) hurt is very real. As ever, there is not a simple fix, and it is not a one size fits all model. However, one option is remove yourself from them. Take yourself to the bathroom and lock yourself in. Explain to them later, that if they are going to become physical with you, you will remove yourself from them.

Will they then lash out elsewhere and destroy things? Probably. But sometimes, if behaviours are embedded and long-standing, the family might have to navigate some breakages. They want attention and a reaction from you because of their own overload. They cannot (yet) communicate this in another way and have instead lashed out. You are both protecting yourself and taking away them ‘winning’ by hurting you and causing a reaction in you.

Will they tell you they hate you? Probably. Will all manner of other intense and harmful things come out of their mouths? Probably. But all of this is not their calm reality even if it is how they feel in the heat of the moment. Instead, you are being given insight into how much they are not coping when feeling this ‘out of control’. And the priority can then become supporting them (and learning together) as they begin to identify triggers and early signs of an outburst approaching. With the right help, they will find ways to divert themselves, but this will take time and you may all have to live through some huge ‘situations’ first.

Will you always be able to remain calm and measured? Probably not. But the aim is to do so if you possibly can. If you don’t, you can talk about this with your child at another calm moment if it is appropriate, but wherever possible, stay externally calm.

There are things you really don’t want to be broken? Okay. So, move them. Lock them somewhere.

Inside your own head, you’re worried about all of this and what it means for your future and that of your child? Of course you are. That’s okay. But these outbursts and this physical aggression can be supported with a lot of patience, calmness and love. The child needs to have whatever they give out absorbed in some way and never ever matched. The more they shout, the quieter your voice becomes. The more physical they are, the more removed you become. The more the spew hate from their mouths, the more you tell them you love them (although you may also tell them you don’t like some of the behaviours and want to help them manage those).

Basically, when it boils down to it, those children who cannot control their behaviours and aggression and frustrations are not feeling great about themselves. And they are, fundamentally, trying to push you to a point of not liking them either. It’s a test. But met with calmness, patience and love demonstrated in the ways you know work for your child, you will make progress in this area. And if you can spend time working with your child on identifying what happens before these outbursts happen and come up with ideas (jointly) about what they could do instead, there will be progress. However, if you set your mind to ‘nothing will work’ or ‘nothing will help them’ or ‘there is something wrong with them’, you will not make progress.

I’d be rich if I had £1 for every time I have heard ‘yeah, but…’ as a response as to why any idea of how to support their child will not work for a family. And many ways may not work and if my ideas don’t work for you, that’s okay. You remain the expert in your child and in your own reactions when your child is hitting out, so keep exploring ideas that might help. Try ways of supporting them (and you) and know there is hope. Many patient and loving families have helped their child get through highly physical and destructive phases in their younger lives.

If your child is hitting and hurting you, weirdly (maybe), it shows you are their safe place. Most children wouldn’t exhibit these behaviours more publicly (although many do as an escalation of what has already been happening a lot in the home), but they are communicating to you their ‘non-coping’ with whatever it is that has prompted this physicality towards you.

When you are ‘the chosen one’ (as the recipient of the violence from the child), what you do for them and with them and the way you support them has the potential to make all the difference in the world. Working together, you can make progress and get to a point of not being attacked by your child when they struggle with a situation or scenario.

One small positive step at a time and you can move from what you are experiencing now to a very different (and more positive) existence. Identify what ‘is’. Find the triggers. Explore together ways of diversion from the physicality. Remain calm (and when you fail, simply try again next time). Absorb the angst and never match it by sending the same back to the child. Combat shouting with a quieter response. Remove yourself from increased physicality directed at you. Additionally, hide (in the loft if necessary and if you have one, or at someone else’s house if you haven’t) the things you cannot bear to be broken. There will likely come a day when you can have these things back out on display when they won’t be destroyed.

It is hard. You’re right about that. I can promise you one thing; you are not alone in dealing with these kinds of behaviours. There are ways to help them learn about their own responses and begin, eventually, to be able to self-regulate. And finally, please keep breathing and see every ‘win’ as progress and a learning point for you and your child. Our best efforts are ALWAYS good enough, whatever we are dealing with or doing.