Seeking Guidance?

For many of us (humans), decisions are easy to make in certain situations or contexts and more difficult in other scenarios. Some of us can take speedy and decisive action in our work roles while in our ‘out-of-work’ lives, we might find many types of decisions (kind of) crippling. Maybe we can decide what to wear but not what to eat. Maybe we find we can confidently make decisions when feeling ‘on top of things’ whilst being equally able to fully freeze (shut down) and not make any decisions at all at other times. There are so many variations of how and when and why we either can or can’t make decisions at any given juncture. It is a process we will all need to manage in whatever way we choose (and that includes consciously or subconsciously), but let’s face it, decisions are simply present.

Is decision making something autists find harder than ‘neurotypicals’ (not that I’ve ever met a ‘typical’ human, but let’s let that go for now)? I’m not sure we can have a full way of knowing with any certainty if the issue of decision making is something more extreme for us autists compared to others. However, even without that data, we can be sure it can often cause many of our kind (those wonderful autistic humans) to react in a whole variety of extremes. And these extreme reactions might be in response to seemingly no external cause (although there likely will be an external cause, even if we ourselves are not aware of it).

What will many autists do when faced with decision making?

Of course, it will depend on the individual and the context, what material they are wearing next to their skin (or what the layer after that is made from too), what they are experiencing in their body, what thoughts are racing around their heads (along with many other things) and it will also be impacted by any number of other environmental factors (and, to be clear, this is not an exhaustive list). It will also be impacted (potentially) by something they encountered or something that was said about them or that they experienced 36 days previously (or at any other specific point in time) and this thing is being carried around by them. And there might be just one thing like that lurking in the background, or maybe there are several such things. This isn’t an encouragement for you to go and dig around, please don’t. But it is for your awareness.

If you are living with (or in any way supporting) an autist, the following partial explanations, suggestions and musings are not intended to be a one-stop-shop of fail-safe strategies and ways of managing the autist and their decision-making processes. Any attempt at such a thing is (in my thinking) narrow, deluded and impossible. They are, however, ideas for you to add to your own (if you choose to) that might help you to proactively help the autist you care about as they navigate life and, specifically, decision-making.

The Decision Freeze/Shutdown

When asked questions or when a decision needs to be made, sometimes there might simply be no response at all. The question might not be acknowledged in any way at all. It might even seem as if you hadn’t spoken at all. It might feel as if you are not even present in the room (even though you know you are…or you thought you were, even if now you’re checking that fact somehow).

Why does this happen? There might be any number of reasons. I will list just a few:

·      The autist feels that there might be a right or wrong answer, and because they don’t feel they have the capacity to sense disappointment from you (which will be because of their response), it’s better for them not to respond. So, they don’t give any response at all.

·      They might sense you are pushing them in a particular direction with the question that precedes the decision and so feel manipulated. (You may not even be aware you are doing this unless you critically analyse yourself and for that to work, you’d need to be highly self-aware). When this happens, they might (in action and without any explanation) refuse to step in any ‘direction’ concerning the decision.

·      They might not have an opinion at all and so feel at a loss as to be able to decide because really, they just don’t care enough to have to navigate the decision-making process and all the other complexities within it.

·      They might need more details or information to inform their decision-making process but feel pressured or watched or rushed about the decision and so simply freeze.

·      They might know that you always overrule their decisions (even if you’re not aware you do that) and so feel it is a total waste of time to make any kind of decision. They might also be inwardly annoyed about you even asking the question (that precedes the need for a decision from them) because they see it as a futile process. They have previous ‘evidence’ of how this will go: You ask them. They respond. You overrule. So why engage with the process at all? (And that makes A LOT of sense, even if it isn’t ‘socially acceptable’ as a response.)

Decision Aggression

Some (at some times) will seem aggressive in how they decide. Why respond too assertively if a decision is asked for? Maybe they do know what they will do but don’t want to be questioned on it. Sometimes, it can seem as if by presenting their response assertively, it will be less likely to be challenged. They’re not up for a challenge of this kind. They’re not okay with the prospect of being questioned about their decision or of having to justify their decision to someone who clearly (in their mind) does not think or operate in the same ways as them.

Additionally, they probably don’t want to then have to think about all the details of what must happen next once the decision has been made and so they (effectively) bark what the decision is hoping that will be enough to stop the questioning of it. This gives the impression to the hearer that they are not to challenge this decision or any of the processes around it in any way. Is it effective? Maybe sometimes. But what is this kind of response often telling you?

Is it not at least partial evidence for you (as one who is trying to support) that the autist isn’t that sure of things but isn’t in a place or mindset as to want to talk about any of it? When this happens, it might be wise to state that you’ve noticed they are very clear about what they want to do and that there is no rush to act on it (unless they feel the need) and then divert to a totally different topic of focus/conversation. This non-overruling, non-questioning, non-limiting response means they do not feel challenged, and you’ve also given them an ‘out’ by causing a diversion of focus (which they may well welcome, even if not fully consciously).

Decisive Decisions Are Simply Made and Acted On

In some contexts, we autists might make decisions that for others seem radical or extreme, but which we are very clear about in our own minds. This is one of my own particular specialities. It might be to do with housing or relationships or work or any number of other huge life decisions and those looking may well wonder how the same person who couldn’t decide what to eat has just walked out of their previous life as if it were the smallest decision they could be making.

Does that seem ridiculous? I don’t know. It makes perfect sense to me as it is fully within my own experiences in so many ways and at so many times.

When we make these life-altering decisions, do we then later regret them? I can’t speak for all of us, but for me, I don’t. I might do some back-stepping or alteration of route, but as a firm believer that there is opportunity to learn from all life experiences and decisions, no, I don’t regret them. Have I made seemingly rash decisions that have later caused me hurt because I was being used or manipulated or lied to without being aware of it at the time? Yes. But again, just an opportunity to learn and not do that again.

For those supporting an autist who is making huge decisions in a seemingly rash and careless way, a few thoughts to share. It’s likely the decisions will have had more process behind them than you have been aware of. You can try to present another case, but when an autist feels sure of their decision, good luck with that. They’re likely going to do whatever it is and do it in their way, even if your advice or questioning of their choice is reasonable or even wise. You can try to make them see what they are doing isn’t the best they could be doing but be aware that the harder you push against their decision, the likelihood is, the more they will push back.

There is an element of this seemingly present with all humans who have set their mind to something, but I mention it regarding to us autists because (as will be obvious throughout all my writing) it’s not that everything about us is fully different, it is often more about the extremes at which we experience life and all within it.

So how can you help us? If we are adults and you therefore have no way or right to control what comes next, you’ll probably need to let us get on with it. You can say your piece but try to manage how you do that. If we have (without meaning to) backed ourselves into a metaphorical corner, we might just need a little help to get out (and that might be by focussing elsewhere that on the matter in question). You’ll need to stay calm and measured in what you say, and you’ll need to demonstrate that whatever we decide you will love us/care for us no less than you do now. Easier said than done? Yes, of course. Most things are, aren’t they?

If the decision is concerning a child, there is most definitely a time for ‘No’ and, okay, there might be fallout, but boundaries are important too and you are the adult supporting the wilful child. They might say all kinds of things (about you or about themselves) and shout and scream and get angry, but that is part of a different process and needs different management. They might pre-empt a meltdown and for thoughts around those, there is an article for consideration by clicking this link.

Adults around an autistic child are (in the best cases) helping those children recognise and manage big emotions and responses that they might not yet have skills to manage. Some of that will come to the fore when the decisive child is not able to make the decision they want to make (maybe because of the safety of themselves or another good reason). These scenarios can then be the perfect material for measured analysis and dissection at a later (and calmer) time, presented to the child as part of learning to grow up and be able to manage themselves.

How Can You Help?

Whether it is concerning an adult decision-making process or a child one, some things remain the same:

·      If we want to talk about it all, please simply hear us out.

·      If we have shut down and frozen, please leave it for now. It’s likely we’ll come back to it when we’re ready to (which will be in our timeframe and that might not be the same as yours).

·      If you feel it is important to tell us your thoughts about our up-coming decisions, assuming we’re not heighted and likely to just become defensive, maybe consider presenting your thinking to us in the form of questions for us to consider, and then give us time and space to do that.

·      Please never ask us for a decision when you already have a set answer of what will happen or should happen in your head. If you’ve already made the decision, don’t use us to make it seem like we had the choice when really, we didn’t. We will never welcome hidden manipulation and when we become aware of it/can sense it, it will make us trust you less.

·      If the decision is too open (and especially if this is concerning an autistic child), maybe consider narrowing the choice down to two or three choices (as long as these are actual choices and not two ways of manipulating the same outcome). As a tiny example, rather than “What would you like for your dinner?” (which is a very open question) the question might be (knowing they like both) “Would you prefer pasta or rice with your dinner?” (which is a much easier decision to make). There is actual choice within it, and it isn’t stressful to enter the world of decisions to answer such a question. Without these kinds of simple ‘ways in’ to decision-making, how can we expect anyone to have the skills to make bigger decisions when they are wired in such a way that often decision making can result in total overload of one kind or another? In education and within parenting courses, when utilised carefully and creatively, ‘controlled choice’ can be a powerful and effective tool. It can take A LOT of the pressure out of the decision-making processes, when it is possible to utilise it. And it can teach the child that they are free to make decisions without the fear (or annoyance) of being overruled or judged.

·      Whatever we decide and then do (even if the action is wrong or damaging in some way) please never criticise us as people. Yes, it can be fine to later see behaviours (or even decisions) as unacceptable, but please never make it about us being somehow faulty as humans. We’re not. But if we pick up that we might be, many of us believe that lie quite quickly and that’s a whole different (and more complex) beast to manage.

It is my belief that those wired autistically have a very acute sense of when they are being manipulated or there is attempted control. We are often masters of control ourselves, as it is a way of attempting to have some kind of handle on a world that in so many ways simply doesn’t make sense to us (on many levels and in many ways), and so I can see that might seem like an unreasonable request. But I do know that if you don’t attempt to control us in our decision making (or in any other way), we will likely love and trust you more for that approach in the longer term.

If we have shut down or frozen and so can’t decide, please can it just wait? Or if it can’t, just let us know that you will make the decision because there is a time deadline (from an external authority, for example). Either, we will be happy with that because we’re too overloaded for any other option or it will cause us to suddenly be able to decide. But whatever happens and however we might respond, please remember, we’re not intentionally trying to be difficult. This is just one small aspect of living with this wiring and our decisions-making processes in different contexts might not make sense to you, but they kind of make sense to us.

And in most life cases anyway, a bit like the photo attached to this article, there is ‘this way’ and there is ‘that way’ and apparently, as long as we’re not doing the forbidden acts stated on the sign and our dog is on the lead, it’s no more or less complicated than that. Right? Life will go on and we’ll all continue to try to do our best? Right? Right.