The Eye Contact Thing
Yes, I know. Eye contact is important. I know. I’ve learned that. People count on it. They read a lot about another person as a result of it and it is part of ‘normal’ everyday life. I don’t disagree. I just have another aspect concerning eye contact that is true for me. Oh, don’t get me wrong; I’ve learnt what one is supposed to do. In my work role or in life when ‘on show’, I think I know what I’m supposed to do and what is expected of me, and I can mostly do that. But that’s not the most real version of me you’ll ever see.
I am not alone in my need to manage how I engage with eye contact. Of that fact, I am sure. I use some of my eye contact story here and you or the person you are supporting will have their own version and way of navigating it. All I would say here and now, is please never force anyone to 'do it'. Allow the freedom to engage in it or not. Yes, teach why it can be helpful and is sometimes even (maybe) necessary, but there is no real need to ever insist on it. I suggest that if you have an autist (or anyone else) who finds eye contact tricky, they are more likely to manage to do it if you do not force them to do it. Just saying.
My own version of how I deal with eye contact is explained below and might give some measure of insight into how others manage it too. Weirdly, and contrary to many opinions about eye contact, if I have avoided eye contact with you ever in any kind of sustained way, that is 'telling'. It will mean you have been allowed to see a whole different aspect of Dawn. You will have been given insight into some of what is actually occurring in her rather than what she is presenting to the world. If that has happened to you, hopefully you were able to see the weird compliment, and weren’t instead just trying to fathom out reasons for her lack of eye contact, before then getting paranoid it has something to do with you. It has nothing to do with you, other than the fact it is a sign I believe I do not need to mask when with you.
When I’m in work role or in other social situations where I feel visible, I will use direct eye contact alongside the intentional movement of my eyes interspersed with some lack of eye contact as part of a whole rolling programme of what I’ve learnt is 'expected'. I am under no illusion that I have fully grasped or can execute what one is supposed to do, or that I have nailed this skill. The idea of that is, to be honest, preposterous! But that’s not really what I’m trying to get at.
I’m talking more about if you ever met vulnerable Dawn. The Dawn who is unable to look at you because she is in either such a heightened state due to her current levels of processing or she is in some other kind of total overload. The very thought of having to look at your eyes (which is inevitable if eye contact were achieved) would result in her being hit with what she sees in your eyes and that would be simply too much for her. She is showing you she is in overload. It has only happened with a few people in my time on this planet, because (without intending to offend) I don’t trust most of you. Not even slightly. So if I’m engaging by seemingly not engaging (i.e. without eye contact), for me and my version of my wiring (if that’s a thing), it’s about the fact I cannot process more information. Why? What happens?
That’s simple to answer. When I look at someone I know well and who I am prepared to allow this level of vulnerability with, I am hit with a total overload of additional information which I must add to the information overload I’m already experiencing. Some of it as obvious as if it were written on their forehead and some of it strongly alluded to. I can see (or think I can see) part of how they’re feeling, how they’re judging what they’re engaged with or hearing and how they might respond to it. I can see how this relates to other things I already know of them because of behaviours I have previously analysed and things I have linked; facts I have known before and ways I have seen them react or interact. I link it with things they have typed, or said, or responded to facially before; little looks they have exchanged with others and all manner of other non-verbal cues that cannot be explicitly treated as science, but for me are information gathering sources. Ultimately, as this will be going on when I’m already in a tizz at some level or other, I'm then trying to process how that person is viewing me or the situation or the discussion we are in. And if I’ve been that vulnerable with someone to allow them to see me not be able to manage my eye contact, well, it basically means it matters to me what they think. And at that point in time, I believe I will not cope if I see disapproval or confusion or whatever else in their eyes, because then it’ll be (in my head) my job to help them navigate that. And if I can’t face that job then, I must avoid it by avoiding eye contact. Simple.
Are there times when I feel I must adhere to social expectations and achieve the dizzy heights of ‘expected behaviours’ by engaging with eye contact when in the level of ‘state’ that I’m demonstrating to the one I’ve allowed to be that close to me? There used to be, but now, well, no. I won’t. I’ve realised it’s actually a compliment to them if I don’t force the eye contact to comply with the expectation (as long as they know me well enough to understand why I don’t). When you look at it in those terms, it’s a big deal and a kind of weird gift from me to you. I like weird gifts. Sometimes.
Are all those who share this label of ASD the same as me? No. Is that okay? Yes. Is the eye contact thing something I need to get over? No. Is it something I need to manage in certain life situations? Yes. Do I need spaces in my world where I can allow my natural responses and the zero eye contact when I’m in overload? Yes. Will I always have those spaces and people? No. Is that okay? Yes. Why is that okay? Because that is my reality and I have a life aim of finding ways to properly live my reality and stand alongside as others find ways to live theirs. Simple.