Seeking Guidance?

What is it? This quote comes from the National Autistic Society’s website:

“A meltdown is an intense response to an overwhelming situation. It happens when someone becomes completely overwhelmed by their current situation and temporarily loses control of their behaviour. This loss of control can be expressed verbally (e.g. shouting, screaming, crying), physically (e.g. kicking, lashing out, biting) or in both ways… 

…Meltdowns are not the only way an autistic person may express feeling overwhelmed. They may also refuse to interact, withdrawing from situations they find challenging or avoiding them altogether.”

 Ideas of what to do if you’re the one in meltdown:

• Find a space where you feel safe. Stay there until you feel calmer.
• Don’t even try to explain anything to anyone until you are feeling calmer (and then choose whether you need to explain or not).
• If you become violent and destructive when in meltdown, others will likely help to keep you and others safe by supporting you away from danger. You might not have a choice about that if you are likely to hurt yourself or others.
• Try not to listen to the negative voices in your head. It’s easier said than done, but it’s still worth saying. Some of you will want to crowd those voices out with other sounds, some of you will need silence. Some of you might be able to do that by focussing on a task or game that involves you having to focus (e.g., building a Lego model from instructions). You know you. Try to block out those negative voices.
• As deeply and slowly as you can, breathe.
• You do not have to look at anyone.
• You do not have to say anything to anyone.
• This will pass.
• It WILL pass.

Many of us autists will escalate our own behaviours or emotions as a way of gaining control. If something is going wrong and we know we are not in control of ourselves or our behaviours or ways, there are many times when we will attempt to make it worse so that we feel we have gained back some control. It is twisted, but we might as well deal with what often happens inside our heads, rather than a tamer version of what would make sense to anyone not having the meltdown. Do children know they are doing that? Mostly, no. Do they need to? Mostly, no.

All of this is whether the meltdown is visibly obvious and destructive in some way, or whether it is a full shut down that involves zero interaction with anyone. Neither is more of a meltdown than the other, even if they look very different to the onlooker.

Ideas of how to support the one in meltdown:

• Yes, make sure the area I’m in is as safe as it can be for me and for those around me.
• Make wherever I am as quiet and dark as you can, so that any sensory overload might be lessened. Calmly tell me that’s what you’re doing and why but don’t expect a response. Tell me (calmly) that you are trying to help and however I respond (even if I shout that I don’t want your help), I will appreciate it.
• Tell the people looking at me to go away, it will only make my behaviour or reaction more severe if I feel I’m being watched. I will assume they are judging me negatively, whether they are or not.
• Stay as calm as you possibly can. If I sense you being heightened, I will likely become more so. When I’m like this, it’s as if I magnify all I am exposed to. The calmer you can be, the quicker I will be able to calm myself.
• If you must speak at all, please keep your volume low and your voice gentle and only tell me practical things I need to know right now. If you shout, I am likely to match your shout, move further into ‘attack’ mode and from there, I don’t know how to get back down.
• If I am not being destructive, give me two choices to help me get out of the corner I am in. (E.g. Ask me if I would rather stay in the hallway where I am or go to the sitting room and sit in my favourite chair until I feel calmer). By moving to a different place, I might be able to shift my mindset a little.
• If I am not responding at all to you (because I’ve shut down), it doesn’t mean I can’t hear you or I don’t want to respond. I might just be overloaded. Just be kind in anything you say and try to keep your words to an absolute minimum.
• Be aware of your facial expressions. I’m not the best at reading them even when I don’t feel like this, but now, I will assume the worst and I will think you don’t like me because of my shutdown/behaviours. Try to keep your face neutral but more positive than frowning or worried. If you can.
• Do not try to reason with me or get me to engage with you while I am in meltdown. Afterwards, we can talk, fine, but not now.
• Do not tell me what I’m doing wrong; I already know that and hearing it only will make my reactions more intense. My self-loathing is already at a high level and hearing you say how I am failing right now will not help me be able to regulate my behaviour or responses.
• Once I am calm, offer to do something different with me before we go anywhere near having to talk about what just happened. Yes, I know we must work out what went wrong and what me might try to do differently next time, but please not now. Give me a little time before we must do that.

I know it’s a lot to ask.

I wish it were different. But it isn’t.

I didn’t mean to meltdown. Once the invasion happened and the take-over was complete, I didn’t know how to get back to being in control of myself and my behaviours and responses.

Please don’t hate me. I can do that for both of us. But let’s not deal with my self-esteem issues here. Can we please look at how to help with that at another time?