Seeking Guidance?

Firstly, on a website such as this, along with the fact that the writer of the articles on the website (all of which could be termed as containing ‘oversharing’) is now writing about oversharing is irony that even I (and she, the writer, who is also me) can see. Maybe my learning about irony is paying off…

Secondly, is it? To say someone has shared too much about themselves is fine although also opens the question as to what ‘too much’ is, doesn’t it? If it is enough to make the hearer/listener (yes, a ‘hearer’ and a ‘listener’ are very different ‘beings’…at least they are to me) uncomfortable, is that too much? Maybe. I can see that might need to be a consideration. But then (surely) an internal monitor is needed to be able to ascertain what will be ‘too much’ for that person in that place and at that time (and any variable between those things might also make a difference too, my findings suggest) before they reach a point of being uncomfortable.

So maybe, to be more in-line with social protocols (it makes me laugh whenever I write that term because I write it as if I know what they are and where any of the lines are within them…but I don’t…I know there are some, and I know they differ from person to person and situation to situation and context to context, but I also know the ‘likes of me’ exist outside of those accepted parameters and apparently mostly reside in the land of the overshare)…anyway, to be more in line with these ‘social protocols’, maybe I should take some action to manage self and stop talking far, far, far before the point where there might be any chance of the hearer/listener being uncomfortable. The idea of that might be laudable and appropriate on one level, but as I don’t really know where those lines or points are between the appropriate share and the overshare, it’s complicated. It’s (more than) a bit of a mystery to me. I know better than to set off on a journey with an aim in mind when I have no idea how to get there. Give me a clue about the ‘how’ and I can probably sort it. Leave me with no idea as to ‘how’ and any number of potential outcomes are likely to occur. One of those (inevitably) will include more oversharing.

Before we go any further, for reasons of context, do I consider that I overshare? No…but then…from my perspective, of course I don’t. This website is probably evidence of that. I am of the view that if, by sharing truths about myself and making myself (in that way vulnerable), I can make anyone who experiences life similarly to me slightly less isolated…it wasn’t ever oversharing. It was more like my version of community…even if I never hear from them or communicate with them directly. Is that a weird notion of what community is? Maybe, or maybe not.

Oversharing happens in so many ways and not all of them are the fault of the ‘oversharer’ (is my humble view, which I am sticking with). For example, people ask questions. This occurs frequently. They ask, “How are you?” or “What’s happening in your life right now?” When asked a question such as those in days before these days, I used to properly answer it (at least, I did once I’d come out of my selective mutism phases). I’d answer the exact question they had asked me. Details? Yes. Did I include the surrounding (what I thought was) appropriate information? Yes. However, it came (suddenly, like a bolt of light) to my attention that often (not always) whoever asked the questions wasn’t actually asking the questions they were asking to find the answer to them (they didn’t really want the answer to the questions they had asked) but they were instead using the questions as a way into them talking about whatever it was that they wanted to talk about. What a revelation! What an (internal) eye-opener!

Suddenly, it was clear: The use of the question was to get engagement which would in turn facilitate them then getting to the actual purpose of the interaction (from their perspective). Since this blinding revelation, I have radically altered my responses to conversational questions. I now (attempt to) analyse the source (the person themselves), the question itself (via the words used) and the motive behind the question (relying on my inner ‘seeing’) before I opt for either the short and vague response (which finishes with a question to divert attention from me), or the medium response (which gives a little more detail but also ends with a question to defer attention away from me), or I do still sometimes actually answer the question I have been asked (but I proceed with caution).

Once I realised what was often going on in these social conversations, I shifted from feeling like any response I had given in the stressful context of the encounter (if the words had come out in the right order and seemed to make sense to the hearer) was a success and I had overcome a different (social) barrier for me. Instead, I realised I just need to shut up. I now do not talk or engage if I ever think the person with whom I am speaking has an ulterior motive or when I sense anything else underlying that makes me wary of ‘engagement’. Is that like the selective mutism of my younger years? Maybe…but maybe it’s more masked as I now use learnt techniques to divert from having to engage, and so it usually (hopefully) seems to the other person that all is well.

Do others think I overshare? Most definitely, yes…and this is truer of those who have not told me this is their opinion than it is of those who have mentioned that it is their opinion. Either way, whatever it is that I default to…yes, it is widely considered that I am guilty as charged. Have I learnt not to commit this sin (let’s call it that for now although it isn’t really that) in many life situations? Of course. I most definitely know what is ‘too far’ in contexts with strangers or professionally (although I also realise that my unseen and metaphorical lines will exist in different places to those of most around me) …but I can (mostly) maintain remaining within the misty, vague social protocol limits.

Saying all of that, many people over many years have told me (but they might have been lying and I couldn’t see it at the time because of the level of stress around the interaction or whatever else might have been going on) that my transparency and ways of being are like a ‘breath of fresh air’. I’ve taken that to be a positive indicator…but there is still a line between the ‘desired-for’ air of transparency and the choking fog of oversharing, apparently.

Now that my wary self has been further awakened in this area, (and as ever, I know I am not the only person in this metaphorical and literal position) my ‘oversharing’ means something entirely different. I mentioned in Sensory Sensitivities that now, if Dawn overshares when face-to-face in an ‘in-person’ encounter (context given seeing as this whole site is an overshare), it is a sign of affection and demonstrates a measure of trust. Trust is tricky, but in a very small number of people, I do have some. My (what is termed) oversharing is a demonstration that you matter to me enough for me to let you into the ‘word driven’ (and highly important) part of me.

Is it the same as my oversharing on this site? To me, no. On the site, I'm not forcing anyone to read this stuff, it's entirely the choice of the reader so in that way, I tell myself I'm not inflicting it on anyone. Also, on the site, my oversharing is (in lots of ways) impersonal. You (mostly) haven’t met me and never will and there is no relational basis for our connection. I have chosen to act as a person who is transparent and open in the hope my vulnerability and honesty will help you see that in your walk, you’re not the only one experiencing some aspects of what you are experiencing. That approach has previously helped me in other contexts with other non-relational connections and it is a choice I have made in the hope it is of use to someone or more than one someone. However, if you know me, you meet me, you have connection with me, and if we ever speak face to face…if I overshare then…that is where there is evidence of a greater thing going on.

In the times of (what we could term as) affectionate overshare, I might speak quickly (I will), I might avoid eye contact (very likely) and I might give (what some would say is) far too much detail (including personal detail) for the context…and maybe it is. But just so you know; if someone does what I do to others to you…yes, okay, you might need to buckle up to stay with them and you might need to focus to catch what they’re telling you…but what they’re really showing you is that you matter to them, and they value you. And for the autist, having those people (having you) is the biggest deal out there and you help them more than you can possibly know.