Trying to Manage Obsessive Tendencies?
It has been suggested (by my mother, amongst others) that I have obsessive tendencies. Me? As if? How can that possibly be the case? Where is the evidence?
Okay. I admit it. I have obsessive tendencies (and to be fair, that is a gross understatement). When it (the obsession) was my job, that was a bit more socially acceptable, it seemed to me. But this side of that it is all manner of other things. Oh my. These ‘other things’ are not always easy to hide from eyes that might judge me. However, one factor in my favour is that my world exists of very few people who engage with me and so that means there are very few who witness these obsessions as they outplay. Which is good, right? Let’s run with the fact that it is good. Yes. That.
A few days ago, I decided the process of embroidery was too slow. I made the choice to continue the painstaking epic of completing the next embroidery project, but would, alongside this (for days when I needed to see some quicker progress), try my hand at crochet. Why crochet? Easy:
· I’m rubbish at knitting and can only make scarves using the simplest stich of ‘in-round-through-off’. It is currently summer, so even if I were thinking ahead to wintertime, I’d get too hot working on it once it had got longer. Sensitive to temperature? (Her sheepish facial expression emerges.) Maybe…?!
· The manic season of sewing (with the sewing machine my mother-in-law passed onto me) preceded the embroidery phase. I made several pairs of wide-legged trousers and before that, far too many ‘handy tote bags’ with one patchwork side. The issue with those is that there does reach a point where one has too many wide legged trousers or too many handy tote bags. After all, I only have two legs and two arms. I gave lots of bags away but even the recipients can only have so many handy tote bags.
· Before that, there were the dog treat pouches. We only have one dog, so…well, you get the idea.
Because of these prior (and to be revisited, I’m sure) obsessions, I (internally) went off in search of the next thing craft-based ‘thing’. I landed with crochet.
The initial stages weren’t pretty. It turns out that I can’t follow written instructions but can cope with watching video tutorials and pausing them as necessary. However, even with those, I didn’t watch the whole video because I was bored after 2 minutes. This had inevitabilities attached to it. In this case, help came in the form of a string of failures, and the miraculous shorter video I then stumbled across. It (the video) explained I needed to make two triple crochet stiches into the same hole by the time I got to round three of my weird circular ‘things’. (It’s the best name for them I can come up with right now.) The photo attached to this article is evidence of my unwillingness to get to the end of the first videos I found to teach me. What I saw in the later shorter video, taught me why my useless, nearly round, liquid absorbing (and therefore useless) coasters curl at the edges, making them additionally unfit for purpose. Next, I must try out the advice of the second shorter video. To do that, I only have to get past my own stubbornness about the fact I’ve been doing it wrong, which probably won’t take me too long to do (Dawn attempts irony).
So why tell you any of this? Easy.
If you are trying to stop someone near you (or so near to you that you are them) from being obsessive about any activity (or indeed anything), maybe you’d be better to direct your energies elsewhere.
I think it is kind of inevitable that for any wired in this autistic way, there will be obsessive tendencies. They’ll likely last for a season, or for some, much longer, but maybe they (the obsessions) have a purpose within whatever it is they are. Maybe they bring about a certain level of focus upon one thing amidst a world that seems (to many of us, if not to you) fully chaotic and makes little sense. Maybe they help push away some of that external chaos. Maybe they provide a space where the incomprehensible madness outside cannot encroach on us quite so much. Maybe.
But Dawn, what about if the obsessions are (in the view or opinion of the one concerned about them) unhealthy for the person who has them? This is trickier to manage, for sure. One thing is for certain though: Trying to forbid them (the obsessed) from engaging in their obsessions is likely to cause more stubbornness from the obsessed one and a more determined linking (even more closely than previously) with the obsession. You can (of course) try that route if you want to. I’ve just never known it to work, not with a child, nor with an adult.
One other pathway is that of distraction. If you can divert the focus towards other potential obsessions (or we could call them special interests, if we must), it can often be more effective, but even then, it probably will not always ‘work’.
Although this might be hard to read, sometimes, the ‘obsessed one’ needs to be allowed to live it (the obsession) to the end of it and then learn (or not) from the experience of it. Will that always happen (the learning of the lesson about the unhealthy aspects of the obsession)? Absolutely not. Will the ‘obsessed one’ become a repeat offender? Possibly. The only way I’ve been helped with my healthy and unhealthy obsessions is having someone to ‘love me through them’. My husband has become quite expert at it. Some he actively encourages and some he ignores.
Let’s be clear, there can (and will likely be) a whole array of different obsessive zones throughout the life of an autist. Yes, the muggles (or neurotypicals, as some term them) can get obsessed too, but as ever, it’s more about the intensity of the ‘thing’ (in this case, the obsession). Obsessions about items to collect, activities to do, individual people (from afar) or people nearby, the development of skills in a specialised field, or the expansion of knowledge (or facts) within particular areas of interest…to be honest, even starting a list was a stupid thing to do. It is never ending, I suspect.
For young children, it is more possible to help the children structure time around their obsessions. It is also possible to create huge positive links with them by engaging with them about their obsessions. With adults, it seems (not always, but in many cases) to be more a solitary pursuit. But really, my main message is not to stress too much about it. The ‘obsessed one’, especially if autistic, will sense your unease and it will likely add to their negative self-view (until they learn they don’t need to go down that route, because they seriously don’t).
Our obsessions can become proactive and positive things within our lives for all manner of reasons. Some will lead to (what many would see as) excellent outcomes or achievements. Others might take us through some ‘life learning lessons’ we could have avoided if we’d managed it all differently. And all of that simply ‘is’. And in that way, it is good.
Meanwhile, if I now go and try the advice offered in the second shorter video about my weird round crocheted things and it works, there are still two issues. They will still absorb liquid, making them useless as coasters and there is also the second issue. What will I do with the ones that curl at the edges? 🤔