Seeking Guidance?

There is a tendency, I readily admit, for us who are wired autistically, to become a little (understatement) fixated on how we are perceived by others. What are we to do with that? (There are many options.) Can we navigate a way around it? (Possibly, sometimes.) Is there a switch we can just turn off? (If only!)  Can it be a simple thing to manage? (Probably not.)

Firstly, maybe it is important to at least recognise this ‘way of being’ within us. We can often try to analyse and understand other humans by dissecting their responses and behaviours towards us. We can observe how others live through or react towards situations they encounter. We might then also cross-reference the responses of others and self concerning how we and they react to life as it lands. This process (over time) often becomes fully natural for us autists, usually reaching the point where we cannot even begin to compute how some other people do not observe others or self in this way. Is it overthinking (as a derogatory thing)? I don’t see it that way. I see it as simply thinking in greater detail, which I consider to be a life asset. I wonder how those who don’t think in huge detail get by. I also wonder how they cope with the non-constant activity of thinking in meticulous detail in their minds.

Before we proceed further, let’s back-track a little. Many of us will have learnt to find our way in the world so far by observing how others respond to us, and often we will analyse that in great detail (sometimes with accurate conclusions and at other times, maybe less accurate). We might also analyse our own presentations of responses and behaviours and compare those to whoever else. There is a difficulty, because the reality is that our understanding of what we think we are communicating to others can be as obscure as what the Muggles (for context, the neurotypical ones) think they are communicating to us. Consequently, we inevitably find ourselves communicating in different languages to all around us, including those who might be wired like us. Oh good. Well, that hardly helps, does it Dawn? Maybe not…or maybe it does help. You can decide by the end, if you get that far without drowning in parentheses.

Before we proceed, a point to consider if you choose to. I believe all humans have a preoccupation with how they are perceived by others to some degree or other. This is true even when they present a façade that they don’t care what others think. However, as ever, because of the extremes at which we experience life, this preoccupation with how we are (potentially) being perceived can become all-encompassing when one is neurodiverse.

If your aim is to ‘fit in’ or become ‘invisible’ by not standing out in any way, so as to not draw attention to yourself, there are many approaches you can utilise. One of these is to simply mimic the behaviours and ways of being that you see those around you engaging with. Easy. Let’s face it, many of us have been doing that throughout most of our lives anyway, and so we can (at least for short bursts of time) sometimes seem like we kind of ‘blend in’. It is ‘an’ approach, and I’m sure it has a measure of value if you want to try it in some contexts. Is it possible to maintain it for your whole existence? I doubt it, but maybe (after all you are you and not me, so it might work well for you). For me, it’s too exhausting. I also find that it kind of crushes internal me, and then I begin to believe I am not okay as me. That is a route into a mental ‘dive’ and so I try to ensure that my attempts to ‘blend in’ are just utilised at specific points when I have a clear rationale for doing so that makes sense to me.

If your aim is to not be judged by others, can I please ask a few questions for your consideration? What gives them a superior stance over you? Are their lives fully together and sorted? Are they totally succeeding in all their relationships, in their work and in the accumulation of money and possessions? Is their social media presentation of self in any way reflective of their real-life existence?

I suggest it is highly unlikely that any of that is the case. And even if it were all true for them (it won’t be), why are they wasting their time judging you or telling you how to be or to live? Surely, they’d be more content with simply getting on with enjoying the perfect existence they’ve managed to create for themselves. On that matter, I rest my case.

And yes, we autists (and other humans too) can still (even when this logic has been locked into our minds for some of the time) have a propensity to be too concerned with the views of others. Why?

Is it rooted in the messaging we have received from various sources over much time that results in us feeling inadequate in some way? Maybe. But can we pause momentarily about that? Maybe we are making it harder for ourselves. Maybe we, by comparing ourselves to what we think is true of others (even when usually it won’t be true) are causing the biggest part of the issue. Maybe there is little value in the process of comparison between people or lives. Maybe it isn’t about the need to be the best or have the most views on TikTok or be the most accomplished in whatever way. Maybe it isn’t about a fight to elevate ourselves over others. Maybe it isn’t about allowing others to squash us as they attempt to elevate themselves over us.

Because maybe, just maybe, the floor is level and we’re all standing on it. Maybe, as we are in the ‘now’ of ‘now’, are just as we need to be.

What you’re struggling with is hard? I have no doubt it is. But does it often become even harder when you try to justify how difficult it is? I have realised that I don’t have to prove to anyone how tricky I find some things. I don’t have to explain my barriers to anyone who stands still long enough to listen. I used to, but I stopped. Why? I realised I was being my own biggest enemy by approaching life in this way.

We are as we are and that is good. We learn from all we experience and live through and that can be valuable. We overcome hurdles that we choose to find a way past or through and we set limits on what we are prepared to deal with. That is measured and sensible. We’re not daft even if the looks on the faces of others might sometimes make it seem like we are. It’s fine for this 50-year-old woman to say that. At age 8, she wouldn’t have. Nor at 17. Not at 26 and nor at 48. But we all learn as we go, and lifelong learning is the way forwards.

You can learn to live with less preoccupation about how others perceive you. The power to do so lies fully within you. It is in you. If, as you read or hear those words, there is any sense that it might be true, maybe it’s worth trying to live that way when you can. Just as an experiment to see how it pans out. You’ve got this…and if not today, then another day you will have it.