Seeking Guidance?

So, your child (who has pre-identified additional needs, or indeed has not) has become a school refuser? You can’t get them there whatever you try? Those in school seem to be at a loss as to how to help too?

A Few Wider Considerations

How are we to collectively support the clear need of those children in both primary and secondary settings who have reached a point of refusing to attend school? Is the ‘system’ working well as more and more Education and Health Care Plans (EHCPs) are fought for and issued and more specialist placements are sought at all levels within the system from parents to local authorities? I would say it is not working well (actually, I’d say it’s mostly not fit for purpose), but I can also see many potential reasons as to why it is not working well. Those potential reasons (with the point being made that all views are my own and are based on what I have seen and experienced professionally and personally) I have shared in ‘Why is the World of Special Educational Needs So Broken? Discuss.’

What Are Some Possible Factors That Led To Refusing To Go To School?

For now, however, let’s focus in on the school refuser. I think it is fair to assume that for some or many varying reasons, the school refuser is struggling with their view of self. They (likely) have a very low view of self and they (likely) lack confidence in many ways. They are (likely) not feeling they have any strengths at school. They are (likely) not feeling they have any friends in school. They are (likely) struggling to manage learning in school because of being overly stimulated consistently using their coping mechanisms as best as they can to ‘manage’ with the environment of school. They are (likely) either withdrawn and so not building any links with adults in school either or are potentially exhibiting their inability to manage by presenting negative or destructive behaviours. They are (likely) feeling that all around them are succeeding and doing well with friends, learning and interests and they are failing in all those areas. The more demonstrative children will often express this by saying very negative things about themselves which all give the clear message that they have reached a point of ‘hating’ themselves.

The above is not an exhaustive list (I’d never even attempt to write one of those about anything), but it does (potentially) cover many underlying reasons as to why school refusal becomes, for that child, their end point.

The children (likely) exhibited signs of anxiety before the school refusal finally kicked in. They (likely) showed this by saying they feel sick, by trying to get days off, by trying to explain to a trusted adult that they feel worried, and sometimes (horrifically) by hurting themselves. Those that do hurt themselves are creating (subconsciously, I believe, in many cases) a true and visible and clearly explained reason for not having to go to school. And this is (perceived, from their perspective) as being a ‘real’ one (and is more tangible than the anxiety alone, because there is physical evidence of the fact they cannot go to school). They have also likely spoken of unkind things other children have said to them or about them and they believe those things are true. They fear seeing those children because they are not yet resilient enough to brush off or deal with the stupidity of their peers who are cruel to them. Some of those things (along with many others) are likely to have happened repeatedly before the actual refusal kicks in.

Shall We Place Our Main Hope In An ‘Intervention Session’?

When we (schools and parents) try to overcome all of this by popping the child in a ‘feelings group’ where they can talk about their feelings (and that is if we do manage to get them back into school…or it might be set up as an external to school intervention with the aim of preparing them for returning to school), are we helping them? No. I don’t believe we are. I do not believe we are helping them in the long term. I do not believe we are supporting them proactively or positively. Is this a controversial stance to take? Maybe. You can leave this article now and not read any further if you choose that path (of course), or you can see what I am proposing might help alongside a ’feelings group’ (or similar). The choice to read on or not remains yours.

Does the child need to learn to express what they are experiencing by talking about their experiences? Of course. It would be foolishness to think anything different to that. They need to learn about their own triggers and barriers before they can be a part of helping to find ways for them to manage those triggers or barriers throughout childhood and into adulthood. But if a ‘feelings group’ (of whatever kind) is the only approach being used, I think we need to realise the chances of success for reintegration into school are not high.

How Do Many Children Respond to Support Groups in School?

In primary schools, children who get to go to feelings groups (or similar) are often (and this is most of them) very positive about the groups. Can we pause to think why that is the case? Is it because this group has helped them overcome their issues around self-worth and so they now want to come to school because they are part of a group? For a few, maybe, but I’d suggest usually this is not the case. Is it not more often about them being treated as an individual and being given some ‘special time’? Is it not about them developing a link with an adult or mentor that becomes positive for them? Is it not more about maybe finding that others also struggle with similar things to them? Is it not also potentially because they get to leave class and this is something the people they see as ‘having life, skills and friends sorted’ want, and they like that feeling of escape while the others are still in lessons? For some, maybe. I would suggest all these reasons, and more, are why children are often positive about such groups.

What Else Can We Do?

I have a suggestion, however. It is just a suggestion and is only based on experiences professional and personal in the tiny life I have lived in a very small part of the universe. You can choose to try it or not for your school refuser. You can dismiss all I say without a second thought being needed. It is not revolutionary or new, as ideas go.

What if we fully flipped the whole thing on its head? What if we took what seem to be the ‘positives’ for children who do join ‘feelings groups’ (or similar) and we change the direction of travel? What if we put efforts into creating scenarios for the children that are fully distant from all they struggle with about self (rather than them sitting and talking about those things and therefore drawing more of their attention to those things)? What if, alongside the right kinds of talking therapies, we put a concerted effort into finding some way for that individual child to excel? What if we created an environment in which they could truly begin to be more positive about themselves? What if we gave then a shared interest which helped them form a level of connection with others? What if we facilitated a different focus for them that took their sight off self and channelled their focus into something else? What if a consistently present adult (i.e. who didn’t change every week or every term) supported them and gave them focussed time to develop their skills and passions, teaching them more about something they are interested in?

I believe we could fully and radically transform and revolutionise education (and this includes the world of special educational needs) without neglecting the supporting of all kinds of needs in other necessary ways.

The Main Idea Isn’t Revolutionary but Has The Potential to be Transformative

Is there even a tiny desire in your child to learn a musical instrument? Pursue it. Find the right adult and pursue it. Make sure that adult is the right fit for the child and facilitate it. Find someone who is relentlessly positive and encouraging and who puts no pressure on the child but invests in them. Week in, week out, they have a consistent ‘touch base’ with a person who invests in them and encourages them and who is teaching them a skill which will help them in a multitude of ways.

Is there a desire in the child to dance? Find somewhere they can go to learn to dance the style of dance they want to do. Is there a desire to learn to create things with wood? Do it. Is there a desire to work on cars? Do it. Is there a desire to run and be athletic in whatever way? Do it. Is there a desire to learn to cut hair? Do it. Is it about making clothing? Do it. Is it related to growing plants? Do it.

Here comes a slightly more controversial one. Is there a desire to game online and be good at it? This is a shocking thing for me to write… (and must be with appropriate safeguards in place and within what is age appropriate) … do it. I was the mum who refused to allow her son to game. For many years I would not allow it. I didn’t realise (then) that for that season of his life, gaming was his way of getting some self-worth in a remote environment in which he felt comfortable. It was also his way of ‘resetting’. I slowly learnt he needs to ‘game’ to have that sense of being good at something that is just his to be good at (in the context of home and within his friendship group). It also gave him something to talk to real people about. It was a shared interest that helped him then build links with others. He is a drummer too (amongst his other skills) and as an adult, his drumming has (by a long way) overtaken his gaming, but both were necessary to help him to be the capable young man he is now.

As we facilitate, encourage and teach the children who are struggling for any reason, or who have special needs of any kind in an area of interest that they are positive about engaging with, we will see a shift. Their self-confidence will grow if that teaching and facilitating is done in the right and best and most positive of ways and in a fully non-threatening (from the child’s perspective) environment.

What If…?

What if we as parents, and we as educationalists stopped walking the path of ‘getting the support the child needs’ (meaning more adult intervention in school) as the only route to (supposedly) helping them, and instead, alongside that path, also tried to find something the child could learn to love to do? What if we were prepared to have a few attempts (in fact, as many as are needed) to help them find ‘their passion’ and then facilitate them learning the skills they need to be great at it? What if we did that more than the fight to get support in school that looks like an adult sitting next to a child all day? (The serious dangers of that approach are further expounded in ‘The Beast That Is Learned Helplessness’.)

What if we found that this kind of development in a child helped to grow them? What if we found that it helped to build them up internally? What if we found that it helped them to shine? What if we discovered it helped them to learn to love to do something? What if we helped them by this process to see value in something they do? And what if we did that IN school? What if we facilitated those opportunities inside every school in the country? Dawn, be reasonable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. It’s all about money. Fine. But what if we tried this approach? What if some schools were brave enough to intentionally put effort into finding pursuits and interests for each child to engage with and develop? What would behaviour be like at that school? I’d bet (and usually, I'm not a betting person) my last £1 that it would be better than in other places where this was not being done. What would pupils’ attitudes to learning be like? I am very sure, they’d be improved. It would change the whole school climate.

And what if all this as an approach made the individual school refuser more positive about entering school? What if it gave them a sense of worth next to those who maybe achieve more academically? What if others began to see them differently because of the positivity they give off regarding their developing skill and passion? What if they had enough self-belief internally because of doing and developing skills in something they love, to be able to not listen to any harsh taunts or jibes from those who are unkind to them in school?

Maybe I am living in a dream world (even if what I propose makes (to me) more sense than what is real in most schools). Maybe I am deluded. Or maybe not.

But School Won’t Do That. So Now What?

The good news is, you don’t need school or anyone else to begin this process for your child, whether your child is currently in or out of school. You can initiate it as their parent or carer, and it needn’t even have anything to do with school. You have that power. Even this process outside of school will affect self-worth which then means the child has a fuller internal tank to cope with some of what they struggle with at school. You get to choose if you want to try and see if this will help your child. What have you got to lose? I’ve seen it work effectively and positively enough times to know it is worth the effort.

There’s no need to force the pursuit of learning a new skill with the child (especially not if they are autistic, as they’ll likely kick back and refuse to engage). But if you are the parent of an autistic child, you already will have developed subtle skills to help them engage with different activities that are outside of their comfort zone, I am sure. You know the drill. Leave things around they might see or pick up and try. There are all kinds of ways to make visible those opportunities that were once not thought about as options for what your child might engage with. And yes, again specifically with those who are autistic, they might make either very slow and careful progress in whatever area they choose, or they might also become fully obsessive, but let it flow as naturally as is possible. They’ll find their way.

All I suggest is that you try. No more. No less. Just try. Never take my word for anything. Try it out. See what happens. And hey, it’s better than waiting for the local authority to let you know what they are next going to propose next for your child from inside their under-funded and broken system, isn’t it? As I have said many times, all views are simply my own. But if by reading my views there is anything in you that is drawn to try…? Well, as ever, all decisions are yours to make. Best foot forwards and good luck. You’ve got this.